


Walk on Memories

by 777777799



Category: EXO (Band), K-pop
Genre: Angst, Character Death, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-31
Updated: 2018-02-05
Packaged: 2018-12-09 04:14:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 31,979
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11661405
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/777777799/pseuds/777777799
Summary: “Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart."He walks upright, but he is not alive. He is full of fears, yet empty. He is stuck in a maze with one way out and only when Luhan can come to terms with his memories can fate play its role and he can rejoin the world of the living again. Will he find the way out of the maze before he destroys himself for good?





	1. I

**Author's Note:**

> Trigger warnings: mentions of death, depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts/actions and self harm
> 
> Sorry, I know I usually write things that are rather funny and lighthearted but I had this idea and decided to go for it. I hope you can still enjoy it! I won't give too much away... I want a lot to be a surprise :)

⬛⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜  
**I**

-

In the pit of night, the clang of hard, metal keys rings through the dimly lit corridor as their handler fumbles for the right one and shoves it into the mouth of the lock. He hesitates before removing the key and turning the knob. Everything feels cold: the silver keys, the rusted out doorknob, and even the slight breeze from a vent in the ceiling. His fingers linger, taking in the sharp chill that aches his skin. The keys and the knob in his hand begin to rattle and quake. He looks up hopefully at the old, black, paint-chipped door, expecting it to be pulled from his grip; opening to a bright face to welcome him on the other side.

 

The moment never comes.

 

He looks down at his hand and at the lock that's still quivering. He pulls his hand back quickly as if he touched hot iron. However, you know that it is anything but hot: it is cold, cold, cold.

 

He drops the keys and they hit the wooden floor with a loud crashing ring that echoes down the hall. Tacky fluorescent lights flicker above with their sterile blue-white glow. The door handle has stopped rattling. His own hands, boney and pale, are shaking.

 

He slowly bends to pick up the keys off the floor; his task to unlock the door becoming harder and harder as his hands weaken and tremble. Finally, he flings open the door and announces his arrival to the dark apartment.

 

"I'm home!"

_"Luhan get over here! I'm in the kitchen cooking dinner." Luhan walks over to the soft voice that called him._

 

_"Ah, ah, ah! No shoes inside, Luhan. You know the rules." Laughing, Luhan mutters an apology and runs back to the door to remove his shoes and place them on the mat a bit hastily. He sprints to the kitchen, slipping a bit on the polished wooden floor with his socked feet, but catching his balance. He pads up to the man chopping carrots by the sink and wraps his arms around the man's waist._

_"Oh my gosh, and please be careful. We don't need you to break anything just for you to come and hug me," the man says, chuckling, as he turns and gives his soon-to-be husband a quick kiss. Luhan apologizes again and leans in to deepen the touch. Between kisses, he tells Minseok he'll be more careful next time._

_"Great. Now as much as I love this kind of motivation, I'd love it even more if you'd help me." Luhan gives him one last peck and finally separates himself from his boyfriend. Their shared warmth lingers in the air._

_In the comfortable silence that falls between them, Minseok hums a soft tune and Luhan joins in at the harmonies. They move around the kitchen in sync, never getting in each other's way. The chop, chop, chop sound of the knife hitting the cutting board is relaxing and safe. Luhan looks over at Minseok, who has a smile on his face as he hums and works. Minseok is concentrated and focused, he knows that for sure, but he makes everything look so utterly easy and fluid. Everything he does is so delicate and careful. That's just who he is. Luhan envies that talent, but more than that, he loves it on Minseok, and Minseok only._

 

Luhan's shoes clunk against the dull wooden floorboards of this kitchen, as he shuffles over to the freezer and pulls out a plain, frozen chicken breast that he cooked weeks before. He shoves it in the microwave and sets the timer for three minutes. Once the microwave beeps, he takes the chicken out and sets it on the countertop with a loud clatter. He begins eating. The chicken is still cold, cold, cold on the inside and the knife he uses screeches loud and high on the plate every time he makes a cut. He eats it anyway. His head rests in the palm of his left hand and his elbow sits on the edge of the table.

 

_"Luhan, your elbow." Luhan jerks up and removes his elbow from the table. Minseok is looking at him. His eyes are all scrunched up and his gums are showing along with his small set of white teeth. He laughs. "Ahhh what are we going to do with you?" Minseok ventures. Luhan smiles and wiggles his eyebrows. Minseok is laughing even harder now as he stands to collect the dishes._

_Does he need any help? Luhan would always ask just to make sure._

_"Don't worry, I'm fine. Go rest. I enjoy washing dishes, actually. And it's better if I do them anyway. You never wash them right and I find grease still left on them!" Luhan pouts. "Hey, it's alright. You came from a full day of work let me do them. Then we can relax together."_

 

_Luhan rises and makes his way to the balcony. They are only on the second floor of their apartment complex because Luhan is afraid of heights. There's a willow tree right beside the balcony: it has white Christmas lights on it all year round for atmosphere. The view overlooks a small park at the center of the surrounding apartment buildings. Other trees are lit up, as well as a fountain in the center of the greenery._

 

Luhan drops his plate into the sink so wash for later. It goes on top of the large pile of dishes and cups that haven't been cleaned in days: he only washes dishes when he runs out of clean ones. He grabs a beer and stomps over to the balcony. His weeping willow tree is the only one whose lights have long since burned out but never got replaced. He sighs and takes a swig of his beer. His hands are still shaking. The night air is bitter. He can hear the sounds of cars whooshing by in the distance and the rustle of leaves when a gust of air comes running through.

 

"How's your internship going, Minseok?" Luhan calls out.

 

_"It's great!" Minseok says from the kitchen in between the sounds of running water. "All of the senior baristas are so kind. I didn't expect that at first. I think that have every right to be a bit tougher on me. How's your work going?"_

 

"Me? About the opposite. Big bosses don't take too kindly to 21 year old college grads." Luhan chuckles a bit. "But I'll manage."

 

_"I know you can, Luhan. You're talented and smart. They're lucky to have you there."_

 

"It's just difficult when they yell at me for some mistake but I can't even say anything back. It kind of ruins a bit of my self worth, you know? To be cut off so abruptly and not be able to explain."

 

_"Really, I think it's just because you're new. Once they see how much of an asset you are they'll be begging for forgiveness. Just give it time and work well. But I know I don't need to tell you that. You're the most driven person I know."_

 

"I guess that's all I have to do. I just don't want to get fired. Especially since we're saving up for our big day." Luhan glances at the engagement ring on his right hand. "Right, Minseok? Aren't you excited?"

 

No reply.

 

"Minseok?"

 

Silence.

 

"Minseok?!"

 

Nothing.

 

"M-M-Min… s-seok…"

 

Luhan dashes for the kitchen: the can of beer left to spill onto the ground with the golden liquid seeping out and the carbonation going flat.

 

Luhan comes upon his dark, empty kitchen. The pile of dirty dishes are left untouched in the sink. The only light illuminating the dark is the clock on the microwave that reads midnight. His knees shake and give out. He drops to the floor with a thud. He's shaking all over with his muscles contracting and squeezing and it all hurts, it hurts so bad. He yells, he mumbles to himself, he cries until no tears will come out and his head is pounding. He's suffocating like Alice that drowned of crying because she was lost to the world, but ended up in a world. He hears a quiet voice from somewhere in the distance, so bright he can't bear to turn or listen up because it hurts when you step into the light after being in pitch dark for so, so long.

 

He calms down after awhile. This time he did not hurt himself. Although when he does, he never remembers. It's been his nightly routine for almost a year.

 

He is sleepy now and wills himself to bed.

 

On the balcony he spots a black cat lapping up the beer he dropped.

 

Outside he can hear sirens screaming.

 

In his head he can hear soft voices calling.

 

But most importantly, he is cold,

 

cold,

 

cold.


	2. N

⬛⬛⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜

 I  N

 

Night is falling and dawn is rising.

 

Luhan lies face up on the left side of his bed: the right side is bare and untouched. His eyes are wide open, staring at the white stucco ceiling, as light from the window slowly seeps in and chases out the shadows. He watches the pale light advance as sounds of the living world outside grow louder with the morning crowd.

 

His head is no longer pounding and his eyes feel dry and irritated as he stares at one particular divot in the ceiling's texture. He almost forgets to blink. The shrill beep beep beep of his alarm startles him back to earth as he reaches to turn it off. His limbs hurt and ache.

 

"Good morning, Minseok."

 

Silence.

 

Luhan sighs and slowly begins to sit up. He feels sluggish as he swings his legs over the edge of the bed and his bare feet touch the cold floor. He bunches his toes and plays with a ball of dust beneath his feet.

 

_"Luhan, we really need to do some spring cleaning in here."_

 

_"Aw don't get rid of the dust bunnies. They're my friends!"_

 

_"They're dust, Lu. Not real bunnies," Minseok says, rolling over to Luhan's side of the bed. Minseok kisses Luhan good morning. His lips are warm and soft._

 

Luhan finally stands, dragging himself to the bathroom. He passes the closet of cleaning supplies and stops to eye the vacuum.

 

_"I'll never understand your fascination with cleaning, Minseok," Luhan says as he watches his boyfriend untangle the vacuum's chord._

 

_"It's satisfying."_

 

_"But the bunnies."_

 

_"Luhan, really. What are we going to do with you?" Minseok is laughing now._

 

Luhan walks swiftly to the bathroom. He turns on the light that burns his eyes and gives him a reminder of the headache he donned the night before. He turns the sink's handle all the way to blue and splashes the frigid water on his face. He looks up at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes are red and puffy and there are dark, purple circles beneath each. His cheeks are sunken in and his whole physique is sickly, thin and gaunt. His bare chest is ill and pale and he can see the outline of his ribs starting to show through. He runs his hands over his arms, feeling the familiar ridges of slivered skin beneath his fingertips. Some are still scabs while others have faded to a dull pink. Luhan used to be afraid of this monster in front of him, his own exhausted reflection, but he had long since gotten used to it.

 

After dressing and washing up, Luhan makes his way to the kitchen. He takes out a plain, white mug from the cabinet, the clinking of the ceramic a little too much for his hazy early morning mind to take. There's only one other mug left in the cabinet (he'll have to wash the dishes soon because he never uses this mug) and it has half of a red heart on it.

 

He fills the plain mug with tap water and shoves it in the microwave for a minute and thirty seconds. His eye catches the dusty coffee machine in the corner of his countertop.

 

_"Would you rather… drink instant coffee or drink high quality coffee but put mustard in it?"_

 

_"The mustard."_

 

_"Seriously?"_

 

_"I'd rather die than drink instant."_

 

_"I suppose I shouldn't expect anything less from a barista in training. Especially if he's Kim Minseok."_

 

_"Hey!"_

 

_Luhan giggles as he evades a playful hit from his boyfriend. He almost spills his morning coffee but catches it in time._

 

_"Careful. It was once thought that coffee was from the gods, you know? Don't want to make any of them angry by wasting."_

 

_"Yeah, you're right. Wouldn't want to make you angry." Minseok blushes shyly once he realizes what Luhan implied._

 

Time is up. The microwave beeps.

 

Luhan takes the mug from the microwave and sets it on the countertop. He removes a spoon from the drawer and reaches to the top shelf, pulling down a red, plastic container. The directions advise to use two teaspoons of coffee, or adjust to taste. Luhan puts in four.

 

Luhan is hungry but the thought of food disgusts him. He chugs down his coffee, places his mug in the sink, and grabs his belongings for work. He picks up his keys that jangle in his hands.

 

"Bye Minseok! I'm leaving."

 

Silence.

 

Luhan opens the door that creeks as its hinges stretch. The hallway is still empty and chilled. The door in his hands feels unfamiliar and foreign. Somewhere down the hall a rat scurries by. On another floor the elevator dings. Outside the sun is rising and the shadows are shrinking and people are living and moving and before Luhan closes the door, outside, is the cat from last night. His eyes are amber. Luhan's hands shake. The rat keeps running.

 

-

 

_Luhan hesitantly walks up to the ⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜. He places the simple mug with half of a red heart on it next to the ⬜⬜⬜⬜ and doesn't move. Everyone is watching him. Them. Luhan wants to say something. Anything. He knows it would be pointless now but he's desperate. But he cannot. They're both frozen. Luhan stares. He looks beautiful. The sun is hot. The sun is blinding. The flowers are dying. Everyone is burning up. Waiting in that God awful heat for him to do something other than just stare at ⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜ in that menacing ⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜. The ⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜ everyone is wearing doesn't help. They're all annoyed. Someone whispers a snide comment but Luhan does not care. He, too is burning up but he does not care. He only cares that ⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜ will never feel this searing heat again. The mug never to see it's other half again. No more hot coffee on busy mornings for two._

 

_Luhan is falling falling falling along with the ⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜ and buried memories._


	3. C

⬛⬛⬛⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜

 I  N C

 

Cat's eyes are a burning amber.

 

They are transparent, yet reflective like a mirror, and they feel so deep that Luhan could fall in and end up in Wonderland. They are speckled, shining rhinestones that glow in the early light, with glares of the sun running through them. However, Luhan can't see to the other side. What is on the other side? You can't see through a mirror, dummy.

 

Neither of them break eye contact. Cat's stare beckons him. Luhan nearly forgets to blink until his eyes begin to sting.

 

He doesn't remember stepping back into his apartment and shutting the door. But somehow, he ends up in front of his balcony where Cat sits and waits.

 

Luhan's hands are still trembling as he slides the glass door open. Cat follows his movements with those endless eyes. The cool morning breeze hits Luhan's face and makes him shiver. He can smell the dampness in the air that is still fresh and clean, as the fumes of factories and cars haven't gotten a chance to pollute the new, awakening world just yet. He hears vehicles zoom by in the distance, almost sounding like waves crashing on the shore, only much more mechanic, constant and urgent: it is the sound of human drones speeding off to work on autopilot. Occasionally a horn will beep to ruin the illusion.

 

Somewhere, a bird sings a love song. It pauses. There is silence and no response to the bird's cry. The bird tries again.

 

On closer inspection, Cat's short, black fur shines auburn in the sunlight. His thin tail swishes back and forth behind his small, slender body. He appears to be a young stray that hasn't had enough meals. The bones of his shoulders stick out a little too much, and his stomach seems a bit sunken in. His fur is a bit ragged and bare in a few places, but he looks clean and free of mud or leaves. His rhinestone eyes look up at Luhan. They are perfect wide almonds that flick up at the outer corners. They are curious. They are open. They really might just swallow him whole if he's not careful. They are intimidating. They are familiar.

 

Luhan feels dizzy, like even his balcony on just the second floor is too high up for his acrophobia.

 

Cat winces when Luhan's keys drop to the floor with a clang, and his bag follows with a thud.

 

Luhan can feel himself falling, falling, falling as the floor gets closer and closer.

 

He is terrified.

 

He is terrified of heights.

 

He is terrified to fall.

 

He is terrified and even if he could fly, he is sure he'd still be terrified.

 

Everyone's dream is to fly and he doesn't understand it.

 

He just doesn't understand.

 

It's not safe all the way up there.

 

He's terrified.

 

The higher you are the harder you'll fall when your dream bursts and you wake and there's no one there to catch you.

 

It was all an illusion.

 

Time is an illusion.

 

There's no one there to catch you, now.

 

He's terrified.

 

I'm sorry.

 

Forgive me.

 

I don't understand.

 

I don't understand.

 

He can't understand.

 

He hasn't understood ever since-

 

Cat is in this lap, staring at him with those eyes. He is warm and calm and breathes steadily. His soft tail flicks against Luhan's arm that is marked with rough scars and bandages, as Luhan sits sprawled on the floor with his back leaning against the glass door. He nuzzles into the human's side. The chilling wind doesn't reach Luhan anymore.

 

Luhan begins to cry again, hugging Cat close.

 

Cat closes his eyes and purrs.

 

-

 

_"Luhan just take a few more steps…"_

 

_"Minseok, please tell me where we're going."_

 

_"It's a surprise! Just a little more."_

 

_Luhan shivers. Wherever they are, it's incredibly cold and windy. He should've brought a thicker jacket like Minseok advised. It's early morning and he's even still in his pajamas._

 

_"Okay and open your eyes!!"_

 

_"Wh-where are we?! M-Minseok I don't like this I want to go down… you know that I'm-"_

 

_"Afraid of heights. I understand. But I want to show you there's nothing to be afraid of. Not up here. We're on the roof and there's a railing. It's safe. Plus, I want to watch the sunrise with you."_

 

_"Min…"_

 

 _"Just don't look down… Hey I said don’t!"  
_  

_Luhan looked down. He regretted it. They were a dizzying twenty stories up. Luhan felt dizzy and fell back. Strong, warm arms held him before he hit the ground. He didn't feel cold anymore._

 

_"I just… I really wanted to show you how beautiful it is up here.  And I want to help you become even a little less afraid… I'm sorry for pushing you."_

 

_"… why?"_

 

_"Why what?"_

 

_"Why do you want to help me? It's just… really pathetic to be afraid of heights like this. I just don't understand why you care about me this much."_

 

_"Luhan, don't say that. You're everything to me. I don't want you to be afraid of falling anymore because I'm right here to catch you. Just the thought that you have a fear where it hinders you so much… I feel so awful. When you feel sad or afraid, then so do I because I want to make you feel better. I don't want you to be afraid of anything. I just want you to enjoy your life without regrets."_

 

_Luhan feels like he's soaring to cloud 9 and it's euphoria when he kisses Minseok's lips and they're so wonderfully comforting and welcoming and warm._

 

_They walk to the railing. Luhan is now backhugging Minseok; he is still leery of the edge._

 

_They watch the city below them come to life. Lights flicker on in storefronts. Minseok points to the café they usually have coffee at. Cars and taxis start up on the roads. The air is fresh and inviting all the way up there where the traffic can't reach them. Out in the distance, to their right, the sun begins to rise and sweep light across the land. Purples fade into pinks and then oranges. Cool shadows are chased away._

 

_Holding on to Minseok, Luhan never wants his feet to touch the earth again._


	4. A

⬛⬛⬛⬛⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜

 I  N C  A

 

_All of the snow looks like a blanket in a morgue._

 

_Luhan is tired of running. His legs ache and cramp, and his lungs burn with every inhale of the bitter, December air. He is not just tired of running, he decides. He's tired of living. He can feel the underworld drag down each step he takes. It wants him._

 

_He makes his way to the city park. There are no children in sight on the jungle gym: it's even too cold for them to be out to play. Their mothers probably made them stay inside and are serving them hot chocolate right this minute._

 

_Luhan feels a knot in his stomach at the thought._

 

_He finally slows down and vomits all over the snow-glazed grass. Where the vomit lies, the snow begins to melt and cave in. In the deathly silent snowfall, the only thing that can be heard is his crude retching, and the splat, splat, splat of his past meals. He bends over and puts his hands on his knees for support, breathing hard. Everything feels numb: his fingers, his toes, his lips, his nose, and even his cheeks where his mother and father hit him that afternoon. Since when was I this dead to them?_

 

_He collapses on the ground face up, letting the snow fall and freeze him even more. He looks up at the leafless tree looming above him. There are two eyes staring him down. He jumps up quickly._

 

_"Are you okay?"_

 

_Luhan doesn't respond._

 

_"I mean, I think that's a no… seeing as you just…" The figure in the tree climbs down with some difficulty. Luhan steps back, staring on with wide eyes. Closer, Luhan can see the person is a boy that looks roughly his age. The boy has round cheeks, wide, almond eyes and black hair that peeks out from a fluffy hat. He has a thick, puffy, white coat on, along with a blue backpack._

 

_"My name is Minseok." He offers his gloved hand to Luhan, who takes it hesitantly. Minseok noticed Luhan's hands are bare. "You must be really cold. Here, take one of my gloves." Minseok slips off the red glove on his right hand and puts it on Luhan's. It is soft and warm. Cashmere. "Better?"_

 

_He nods._

 

_"What's your name?"_

 

_"Luhan."_

 

"So I found out that Minseok was the same age as me, fourteen at the time, along with a lot of other small details. No, we didn't sit in the snow and freeze all afternoon. We ended up talking at a café. It was called ReAnimator and we kept going back, day after day. He never asked me why I was there vomiting in the snow. I never asked why he was up in that tree. But eventually, it did come up after a few weeks and we were into the new year."

 

_"Not spending the holidays with your family?"_

 

_Luhan quickly looks up over his mug of hot chocolate, but his gaze falls a few seconds later. Minseok can see his long eyelashes when he looks down. Luhan shifts the cup in his hands and fiddles with the ends of his sleeves. He bites on his lower lip. It feels dry and chapped._

 

_"I'm… sorry if that's…"_

 

_"…no, it's okay." Minseok stays silent to see if he would continue. Luhan sighs and looks up with his large eyes. "The day we met, my parents and I had the worst argument I think we've had yet. They both hit me a bunch of times, and I ran. Nothing has really been the same since then." He can feel the change in Minseok's expression. What was it now? Pity._

 

_"You don't have to feel sorry for me, Minseok," he says quietly. The café suddenly feels too small._

 

_"But I do. I… I want to. I don't think whatever you did your parents shouldn't have hit you like that."_

 

_"It's not because of what I did. It's because of what I am." Luhan's cheeks redden and he stands up abruptly. He begins to put his coat and scarf on. He reaches for the single red glove he still has from Minseok. Minseok is watching him._

 

_He holds out the glove for Minseok to take._

 

_"… here, you can have this back."_

 

_"I don't want it back."_

 

_"No, please… just take it. You don't need to come see me anymore. Thanks for the company." Luhan leaves the glove on the table and turns to leave. He runs out the door. Minseok follows right behind._

 

_"Luhan!"_

 

_Luhan stops and turns but is silent. He is panting. There are tufts of white coming out of his nose as he breathes._

 

_"Seriously, what's wrong? What is it? You can't just leave like this…" Luhan looks down._

 

_"I… I'm into guys, okay. I'm gay. And it's an awful sin and I'm filthy and you should stay away from me. You deserve a better friend." He turns again, not waiting or wanting any response. He really doesn't want to go. He doesn't want to give up the small friendship he had made within the past few weeks. But people like him didn't deserve friends. The harsh January wind blows directly in his face and tears are forcing themselves out of his eyes. He begins walking._

 

_"You wanna at least know why I was up in that tree?"_

 

"Cat? Are you asleep?" He opens his almond eyes and stares at Luhan. "Just sleepy, huh?" Luhan begins to rise and Cat jumps off of his lap. Luhan steps inside of his apartment.

 

"You can come in too." Cat follows him to the kitchen and looks around. Luhan takes out milk from the refrigerator and a bowl from the cabinet. It's his last bowl. The rest are still dirty and piled in the sink. He can feel Cat judging him.

 

"I'll wash them tonight, just for you." He might be mistaken, but Cat's intimidating gaze seems to soften.

 

Luhan carefully pours the milk and heads back out to the balcony with Cat on his heels. He sets the bowl down. Cat goes to it immediately. Luhan lies down on his back next to Cat, staring at the midmorning sky. There's an airplane passing above, leaving behind a stream of white across clear blue. It crosses over the remnants of another plane's trail. The air is relatively quiet, except for the sounds of Cat lapping up what is perhaps his first meal in days.

 

Luhan reaches over to pet Cat. He can feel a steady stream of tears falling from his face, still. He keeps going anyway.

 

"So I wanted to keep walking. Not really, but I wasn't very sensible back then. Just impulsive. But Minseok's voice held me there. And my legs didn't even find the energy to move anymore.

 

He told me that he was in the tree, hiding.

 

People are rough, you know, Cat? Well, maybe you don't. You seem rather young. But other cats are rough. You have some cuts and bare patches I see. Anyway, I was so preoccupied with my own state that day, that I didn't realize Minseok was sporting a limp and his lip was bleeding.

 

He was walking home from school as usual when a hoard of boys jumped him and beat him up. He said it happened nearly every day with at least one or two, but this time there were, at best, fifteen.

 

Sometimes he would get death threats, but he had long since stopped reporting them to the school that had no interest in protecting the "fag" as described in the letters he received. What made things worse was that he was also on the chubby side. I thought it was cute. No one else did.

 

And the thing is, he was trained in Taekwondo and Kendo but he never used them to fight anyone off. He just took it all. He knew he'd get the blame if he tried to fight, so there was no use. I remember feeling so… angry? Unsettled? That he would just do that. But a part of me understood and admired him for it. I'd always go stupidly into something and not be able to get myself out.

 

At this point we were standing next to each other again, and he pulled me inside to finish our hot chocolate. He slipped the red glove back on my right hand.

 

When we got back inside ReAnimator to our table, we had expected the hot chocolates to have gone cold, but sitting there were two filled mugs, piping hot. We looked over at Jongdae behind the counter, who we had become friendly with over the weeks we came. He was a freshman at a performing arts university. I think, now, after performing in small clubs and gigs for so long, he's finally signed onto a company and working on an album. I keep up with his public pages online. Anyway, his back was turned, but we knew it was him. We left an extra tip that day."

 

_"My school gets out at 3:00 so I'll walk you because you get out later."_

 

_"Luhan… you don't need to. I don't think it'll make a difference."_

 

_"But I want to."_

 

"So every day after, I'd wait for Minseok to get out of school. And he was right, nothing changed. Only that instead of one gay kid, they had two to chase. Although, after each time, Minseok and I would end up breathing hard in the safety of ReAnimator Café. There were always two steaming hot chocolates waiting for us (lemonade in the summer), and we would run in the door in a fit of giggles. We weren't scared of those kids from school anymore. It felt more like a game.

 

Funny thing is that ReAnimator closed down a few years later because of a fire one November and was never "re-animated." Maybe it's not so funny, but it's a bit ironic given the name. The last time the two of us saw Jongdae, he was outside with the fire department and the owner, who was in his seventies, assessing the damage. By then we were seventeen and I was taller than Jongdae and Minseok was about his height and lost quite a lot of weight. We had also traded in out hot chocolates for coffee as we aged. Jongdae still pat us on our heads and ruffled our hair and told us it should be open again soon and not to worry.

 

That storefront has been closed for years. Minseok wanted to open it again once he became a barista."

 

_It is a warm, May afternoon. Luhan and Minseok are now eighteen and stand side by side, holding hands, as they look up at the large sign in ReAnimator's dark windows:_

 

_FOR RENT. CALL …_

 

_…followed by a long string of unimportant numbers written in bold red._

 

_Luhan let out a depressed sigh. Minseok took notice._

 

_"Lu, what's wrong?"_

 

_"I have no idea," he said sarcastically, gesturing up to the dead rental space. Minseok made an affirmative noise but turned to Luhan and smiled. "What, Minseok? Why are you smiling?"_

 

_"Hmmm you know the saying 'the end is just the beginning?'"_

 

_"I've heard it before."_

  
_"What if something even better opened up here?"_

 

_"Minseok, what are you talking about? That was where we first started hanging out. Do you know how many hours we've probably spent in there together? How many times we talked to Jongdae? Doesn't this upset you at all? You can't just replace it! What if some dumbass chain restaurant opens there?" Luhan is angry now. He is a hopeless romantic._

 

_"Well, I can't stop that from happening, not now at least. But what if it's still for rent once we graduate from college and I were to open it again? Would that be okay? I'm certainly not some dumbass chain restaurant."_

 

_Luhan turns his head so fast to look at Minseok that his neck hurts._

 

_"You mean…"_

 

_"I've talked a lot about becoming a barista and I was serious about it. I'm going to major in business so I think there's a good chance I can open it, and keep it open. That is, if you're willing to help me on a few of the details?"_

 

_Instead of an answer, Luhan brings Minseok into a kiss._

 

_That is their first kiss._

 

_Although they held hands and saw each other every day, they never declared anything official. Until now._

 

It's edging past noon. Cat is finished with his milk and rests on top of Luhan's stomach. Luhan allows himself to give in to his heavy eyelids and to Cat's warmth. There is a gentle breeze that rustles through the leaves of the willow tree. It's not the cold of the night he feels run through his bones to chill him. For once, he can't feel anything in his bones. No ache, no bitter cold. He feels normal. The traffic on the road has lulled and no one has beeped their horn in quite some time. Shadows are small and short and for once, he falls into sleep with ease.

 

The sun on his face feels like a warm blanket in the dead of winter.

 


	5. R

⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜

 I  N C  A R

 

Rising in the east is the night, along with growing fears that seep through the floor boards.

 

The shadows are getting longer and darker as the sun wares down in late afternoon. The sun can only fight off the demons for so long before it falls. It is an endless cycle, as is Luhan's nightly routine ever since that day. The night is when the monsters and ghouls come out of hiding. Rather, they don't come out, but their victims come to them with the suffocating, advancing darkness. A bedside lamp is not enough to stop them, or even if you turn on all the lights in the house. What is? How can you beat a hellish beast that cannot be seen?

 

But you can feel it.

 

It fills you up on the inside until you can't breathe and even when the morning light comes, it'll hide in every nook and cranny it can find and lay dormant until the night strikes again. Maybe for awhile you can't even feel it, but every time the sun is banished, it returns.

 

Luhan's mind is swimming and foggy when he wakes. He is staring up at a lilac ceiling. A flock of birds flies through it. He can't move just yet. He doesn't remember much. He doesn't remember going in to work that day. So what else is there? Is Minseok home yet? A wave of dizziness spreads through him.

 

"Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart," Luhan mutters to himself. Who said that quote? He can't remember. It's on the tip of his brain. Oh, why can't he remember? Dammit.

 

His back and shoulder blades ache from sleeping on the hard floor of his balcony. He is cold again and shivers. He looks to his right and there are two golden eyes staring back at him. He can't quite read what they are saying.

 

Despite the protest of his sore joints, he eases himself up. Cat is still staring. Luhan stretches and looks over at the grass in front of his apartment complex. His weeping willow tree still has its burnt out lights, and noisy sounds of cars roar in the distance as people rush to get home to their families. There's a motorcycle revving and a policeman's whistle. The air smells of a long day of fumes and smoke and greasy street food. Luhan's stomach growls.

 

"I guess it's time I eat something." He looks at Cat who licks his lips. "You too." Luhan steps past Cat to get inside. This time, Cat follows automatically.

 

Luhan has plenty of canned food. Truthfully, he has no idea how to cook. He opens a can of sardines for Cat, who eats them readily. Luhan makes himself a sandwich and sits down at the small table: his head resting in the palm of his left hand. The room is silent except for their chewing.  Luhan stares at the ring on his right hand that shines in the kitchen's overhead light. He speaks between bites. Cat stops eating and looks up when he does.

 

"Minseok, remember how we proposed to each other?" Luhan asks quietly. Cat stares on with curiosity. Luhan hardly notices.

 

_"Oh, come on, Lu. Of course I remember. That was only two months ago," Minseok says with his mouth full of food. He holds up his left hand with a matching ring on it. His cheeks are puffed out. It reminds Luhan of a hamster._

 

"Can I tell it again?"

 

_"Luhan, it involves both of us and obviously we were both there for it." Luhan pouts. Minseok sighs and smiles. "Well, if it makes you happy, then tell it to me."_

 

"It was May 20th and we had just graduated from college. I knew I wanted to propose to you that day because 520 is a Chinese abbreviation for "I love you." And you know, I'm a romantic."

 

_"The sappiest one I have ever met."_

 

"I'm YOUR sappy romantic. Anyway, I had the ring and everything planned out. When we got to the door of the café that afternoon I would bend down on one knee and propose to you. I wish it was ReAnimator Café, but there's nothing romantic about proposing in front of a FOR RENT sign."

 

 

Luhan is smiling. He laughs a bit.

 

 

_"But when we arrived at the café,"_

 

 

A tear rolls down his cheek.

 

 

"We both slipped a small box out of our jackets,"

 

 

Luhan's throat feels tight.

 

 

_"We both bent down at the same time,"_

 

 

He's falling down the rabbit hole.

 

 

"And said 'will you marry me?'"

_"And said 'will you marry me?"_

 

 

Luhan is now sobbing: each breath he takes is quick and labored and his head feels light and numb. He is breathing harder and harder and his fingertips tingle and he can't feel the floor beneath his feet anymore.

 

His body shakes with each cry. The scars on his arms burn as if they are still fresh. The ring is suddenly suffocating. He is bound to someone that is-

 

He feels something nudge his arm.

 

He is dragged back to reality by endless amber eyes. This time, he recovers before heading off to bed.

 

Silently, he does the dishes because he made that promise to Cat. If he doesn't keep his word, he is afraid Cat would not come back to him, or he would disappear into thin air. He is afraid that Cat is merely another nonsensical dream.

 

Luhan puts the last dish in the cabinet and heads off to wash up for bed.

 

He is exhausted and feels drained, like he is slowly getting emptier and emptier by each passing hour. He wonders if he can ever feel whole again.

 

He plops down onto the left side of the bed.

 

Maybe this all was just some long nightmare and he'll wake up and none of these memories will be his own. Could it be better if he had never met Minseok at all? Or forgot everything about him? He wouldn't have to hurt this much if he were to forget and only know the here and now.

 

He wants to pray. However, he is neither awake enough or religious. That's always his excuse.

 

Before sleep overtakes him, he catches a glimpse of Cat sitting next to the bookshelf.

 

-

 

_"Minseok, what are you reading?"_

 

_"Murakami," Minseok answers without looking up. He keeps his eyes trained on the pages in front of him. His reading glasses have slipped down to the tip of is nose._

 

_"What book?"_

 

_"_ _Kafka on the Shore_ _."_

 

_"Read me some?"_

 

          “Memories warm you up from the inside. But they also tear you apart."

          Nakata shook his head. “That’s a tough one. Nakata still doesn’t understand. The only thing I understand is the present.”

 

_"Isn't that a bit depressing?"_

 

_"Hm. I suppose so." Minseok closes his book. He is silent for a moment before he speaks again. "Would you rather be the way you are now, remembering both good and bad, or only know your present state and not recall your feelings for the past?"_

 

_Luhan stared at Minseok as he thought._

 

_"I'd rather remember. I know there are always bad moments, but I don't think there's anything so horrible I'd want to stop feeling them. After all, there are so many good moments. I'd rather sell my soul than remember nothing of our fun times ever again."_

 

_Minseok was quiet. He took of his glasses and smiled._

 

_"Let's get to bed, Luhan." He put Murakami on the shelf._


	6. N

⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜

 I  N C  A R  N

 

Nothing stays the same for long.

 

_The first time Minseok and Luhan have sex is the day they move in to their new apartment during their freshman year of college. It is the same apartment Luhan lives in now._

 

_It is modest in size: the best they can do as college students working small-paying part time jobs. Minseok's parents help out a little. There is a small kitchen with a wooden table that seats only four, along with a single bedroom and cramped bathroom. But the best feature, the selling feature for Minseok, is the balcony._

 

_Minseok spends his free time sitting out there, starting at the people that walk in the park below. If it is a formidable day, he does his homework out there in silence, just resting in the warmth of the sun. He enjoys feeling like part of the world, even when he has to ignore a lot of it to get his work done. As long as he's out there, sharing the light and fresh air with all of the other living beings, he feels alive. It's a concept he has tried to explain to Luhan time and time again, but Luhan never quite understands. He nods and says he gets it, but Minseok knows otherwise. He's not bothered by it, though. He lets Luhan think as his own person._

 

_The first time they step foot in the apartment after purchasing it, Minseok runs to the balcony. Luhan follows and hugs him from behind. They stand out there for a long time in silence._

 

_In the willow tree next to the balcony, there's a nest with a mother robin. They watch as she gently feeds her young that cry out for food. Soon, a male robin comes and the female flies away. The male is set to keep watch. Luhan remembers hoping that the female will return soon without getting gobbled up by a hawk._

 

_Luhan reaches over and gives Minseok a kiss on the cheek. Minseok turns his head for a full kiss. They fit in each others' arms so well that they can't remember what it felt like to miss the other. They feel like one._

 

_Luhan breaks from the kiss and takes Minseok's hand, pulling him to the small bedroom. They don't even have sheets on the mattress yet. Minseok nearly protests, but Luhan drags him down onto the bed on top of him. Their eyes meet and they both can't stop smiling. They're nervous._

 

_"What are you smiling at?" Minseok asks. He's stifling back laughter._

 

_"You."_

 

_They both giggle._

 

_"My cheeks hurt. It's your fault that I'm smiling like this."_

 

_Minseok taps Luhan's bottom._

 

_"Maybe I can make this hurt too."_

 

_"Cheesy doesn't work on you, Minseok." Luhan laughs. It sounds beautiful and light._

 

_"You're right," Minseok says, rolling his eyes. He pulls Luhan closer and whispers in his ear. "That's a you thing."_

 

_Luhan always thought that he felt very sure of himself, and satisfied with who he is. But with Minseok, he becomes someone he could've never imagined becoming before. With Minseok, he needs no more out of life than what he has; everything feels easier, every problem feels lighter. He is one person, but he feels like he has the strength, wisdom, passion and  confidence of two. But only with Minseok can he feel so complete. And perhaps it's endearing, but it is also a shortcoming in Luhan. In an adventure novel, an evil witch would've captured Minseok, Luhan's only weakness, and used that against our poor hero._

 

_Lying there in bed, they are both breathing hard, staring up at the ceiling. Their fingers are entwined and Luhan has never felt more whole. The mattress is hard and bare, but neither of them mind in that moment. But time runs on and the moments passes._

 

Luhan is thrashing around in the sheets. He knows he's having a nightmare and that he's dreaming but his eyes won't open. Instead, he is forced to endure it, getting lost in the darkness of his closed lids. He hears a scream erupt from his throat. It sounds foreign and not like him at all. It's far away: far above the surface of the green, murky waters that choke him. The sound is getting closer. The water is frigid. He's rushing toward the surface to the light.

 

His eyes snap open and he's staring at his stucco ceiling again. He's out of breath and tears are running down his cheeks.

 

He knows Minseok will not be lying there next to him, but looks to his right anyway. His gaze is met with a set of amber eyes. Luhan is startled, but not afraid of them anymore. He reaches over to scratch behind Cat's ears. Cat closes his eyes and leans in to Luhan's hand.

 

"What do I do, Cat?"

 

Luhan's phone buzzes loudly, startling Cat. Luhan looks at it for the first time in over a day. There are at least twenty missed calls from Yixing, his longtime friend and boss. Sighing, he decides to call Yixing back. He sits up in bed and Cat comes by his side. Luhan rubs behind his ears again.

 

"Luhan, I've been worried sick! Why haven't you called me back? You missed work for the first time yesterday and I was afraid that you… you…"

 

"Yixing, I'm okay. I just…" He takes a deep breath. "I need some time off."

 

"Honestly, I was waiting for you to ask for that." Luhan hears him sigh on the other end. "You have no idea how worried I was for you after everything happened and you never even took a day off to recover. I told you that you could take as long as you need and you never did. You always plunge yourself into more work when you're stressed I don't think it solves anything."

 

"Well, I'm finally taking that break," Luhan says, sheepishly.

 

"Good. Luhan, you deserve it. I don't want to see you get worse. You haven't been the same since then."

 

"I know."

 

"I'm tired of seeing the circles under your eyes get darker every day and see you practically eat nothing for lunch." Yixing paused. "And… I've seen your arms, Luhan."

 

"I didn't know you noticed."

 

"Of course I did. Luhan, you're killing yourself."

 

Luhan went silent.

 

"Listen, I'm saying this as your best friend and not as the boss of some company. Take as much time off as you need to get better. I can't stand to see you live like this."

 

Ha. Live. He wished.

 

"Okay."  
 

"Let me know if you need anything?"

 

"Of course." Luhan hung up. Cat looked up at him.

 

"So, Cat. What do you want to do today?"


	7. A

⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬜⬜⬜⬜⬜

 I  N C  A R  N A

 

A man walks down the street in June with a black trench coat and his hands shoved deep in his pockets.

 

He won't look up at anyone; not even at children that wave at him as they run by on their way to school. He keeps his eyes trained at the ground, counting the dark patches of gum stuck to the pavement that have been beaten down and dirtied by people's footsteps. They are no longer a fun, pink color, but they will also no longer stick to your shoes if one was to walk over them. Which would you prefer?

 

Even as focused on the sidewalk as he is, it still goes by in a blur. The tan concrete runs together and he doesn't know how many intersections he has crossed, or in what direction he is going. He lets his feet decide. He doesn't much care. He hasn't traveled a different path, other than the one he takes to work or the store, in nearly a year. He can't ever let his mind wander like this. It's dangerous. But this time, he's willing to risk it. He's lost and there's still a slim chance there's a way out of the maze, even if he just choses randomly. There's always a chance. Every maze has a solution. Take me there, Fate.

 

The man has an onyx cat that follows close behind, and sometimes the cat strides in front, almost leading the man. Still, the cat never leaves his side. People stare, they ask the man questions. Girls coo at the tiny cat and want to pet it. But the cat doesn't stop unless the man does, and he only stops at crosswalks.

 

Everyone that is neglected of even a nod or acknowledgement believes both the man and his cat are extremely rude. But under that trench coat they can't see the man's arms. Under cat's fur, they can't see his scars. Past Luhan's bent head, they can't see his tired eyes and tear stained cheeks. No one can really _see_ them. You can't see a ghost.

 

But the pair can't see anyone either.

 

Luhan knows that it's sunny out because of the shadows he sees on the sidewalk and the heat on his back. The heat won't stay with him, though. He shivers whenever the wind blows.

 

He can't hear the sounds of birds anymore; only the passing of cars and honking of horns. Everything is loud in his ears and it hurts his head. He just wants to be there already. Where, he doesn't know. But he keeps walking on.

 

There's a man in the street begging for money. The coins in his cup jangle together. Someone drops money in. He thanks them profusely. The man calls out to Luhan.

 

"Sir! Some change for food? You must have ten cents at least?" He's desperate. His voice is haggard and rough. The coins keep jingling as he waves around the cup.

 

Luhan falters and pauses in front of the man, but doesn't look up. He decides to keep walking without giving anything. The man feels teased.

 

"People like you are the reason there's no God in this world," he can hear the man mutter as he steps away. Luhan walks faster.

 

Luhan crosses the street and stops suddenly, after he has counted his hundred and ninth piece of black stained gum stuck to the pavement. Cat stops right next to him. Luhan doesn't know why he stops, other than he feels like he should. Where he stands feels right and so he decides to look up for the first time on his journey.

 

In front of him is a great, big arch with black metal gates. They welcome him inside.

 

Beyond the gates, people are walking and children are playing. The trees sway in gentle wind and the dotted sunlight through the trees' leaves is warm against the green grass. Luhan hesitates, but slowly steps through the archway into the park. He is afraid, but nothing comes to attack him. There are no monsters out today. It's not dark yet.

 

He systematically walks to the maple tree next to the swing set. He stares at it for awhile and looks up at its canopy. It seems to have gotten taller since the last time he saw it.

 

Luhan reaches his hand into his right pocket. He feels around for soft fabric, and upon finding the object, he pulls it out. It's a red glove. He sticks it on his hand. It's a bit small. Cat is staring.

 

He runs his right hand over the bark. Some of the glove's fibers get caught in the grooves of the tree. The glove slides off of his hand and hangs there, right above faintly carved wood. If he squints, he can just make out "L + M." The strokes are slowly fading over time. He stares at it and Cat stares with him and he doesn't feel so alone. Time passes and he doesn't realize.

 

A breeze rustles the tree's leaves. It sounds like nature is sighing with him.

 

He still feels empty, like he could blow away in the wind: there's nothing keeping him there. But he does feel like something is growing. He doesn't know what, but there's more inside of him than before.

 

Cat nudges his ankle. Luhan sits down under the tree and strokes Cat behind the ears. They sit and watch the joggers and women pushing strollers through the park together, making loud chatter in the morning air. After they listen for awhile, Luhan speaks.

 

-

 

_"I'll race you there, Minseok!"_

 

_The boys run out of ReAnimator to get across the street into the park. Minseok stops at the crosswalk that is flashing red, while Luhan keeps rushing through to the park. Behind him, cars are beeping and people are yelling at his recklessness. From the park's entrance, Luhan shouts at Minseok, who is still waiting at the crosswalk until it is safe._

 

_"Minseok, I beat you!!!"_

 

_Minseok sticks out his tongue._

 

_Luhan runs the rest of the way to their tree. The tree he first met Minseok under._

 

_A few minutes later, Minseok walks up to Luhan, who has his back turned._

 

_"What are you doing?"_

 

_"Just wait! You'll see." Minseok waits patiently. He can hear a scratching sound. "I'm done!" Luhan turns and presents his work. Carved deep in the tree is "L + M."_

 

_"What's this for?"_

 

_"Our friendship!"_

 

_Minseok playfully punches him in the arm. "You're so corny, Luhan."_

 

_"You don't like it?"_

 

 _"No, I lo-"  
_  

_"Hey, what do you think you're doing?" A man's voice calls out to them. It's a police officer. "I don't need you kids messing up these trees they're public property. Hey! Get back here, dammit!"_

 

"So I grabbed his arm and we went running from the police." Luhan sighed. "Did we feel bad about it? No. It's not like scuffing up a tree is the worst thing we could've been doing at our age. Minseok was still scared though. He kept saying he didn't want to go to jail. I told him we wouldn't and that officer was probably just bored so he yelled at us."

 

"Minseok and I… had different personalities. But we fit so well together. We only really fought over a couple of things." Luhan went quiet.

 

_"Luhan, they're your parents. It's not like you can't ever associate with them again."_

 

_"Yes, yes I can."_

 

_"Can't you try to work something out? You're in so much debt because they won't even pay for you education."_

 

_"I know that. And that's just how unreasonable they are. It's not going to change. Can't you see that? I'm not going to try to do the impossible."_

 

_"They're blood relatives though! You should be able to at least talk to-"_

 

_"Minseok! I already told you I won't ever speak to them again. It's fine. I'll get myself out of debt and repay you whatever I have to for rent. I can handle this myself. I hate them and I'm never seeing them again. That's final."_

 

_"You don't mean that."_

 

_"I MEAN IT." Luhan slammed his fist against the wall. "I'm not telling you to love those people who kicked you and told you to die every single day in school. It's the same thing. I'm not telling you that you have to go make nice with them so stay out of this!"_

 

_"I'm not saying you need to make nice with your parents but maybe just… talk to them. Explain things. The way you left in a fit of rage and throwing things around the house the last time you saw them probably didn't help."_

 

_"Don't you get it? Of course not. You're parents don't give a shit that you're gay. I forgot."_

 

_"I just think explaining is the best option instead of blowing up like you usually do. Like what you're doing right now. I'm not taking anything away from the fact that they've hit you and verbally abused you, none of that was right, but have you really ever tried to tell them how you feel? Without yelling?"_

 

_Luhan doesn’t say anything._

 

_"I'm right, yes? That generation grew up on beating children for discipline. I think if you just show that you're willing to explain maturely, they'll be better. They might still not like it, but they'll be better. They might respect you more as an adult rather than some rebellious child throwing a tantrum."_

 

_Luhan gets up._

 

_"Where are you going?"_

 

_"For a walk."_

 

_"Just think it over."_

 

_Luhan slams the door behind him._

 

 

_His parents are still entirely disgusted and disappointed by their only son, but agree to help pay for his education. The tension never really goes away, and neither do years of torment, but they can speak to each other respectfully as adults._

 

_Luhan doesn't know where he'd be without Minseok. Six feet under, probably._

 

 

"…six feet under, Cat. Imagine that."

 

A soccer ball rolls up to his feet and a kid is calling from across the park, asking him to kick it back.

 

 


	8. T

⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬜⬜⬜⬜

 I  N C  A R  N A T

 

They continue their routine for days. It turns into weeks.

 

Luhan starts bringing food to the park for Cat, and eventually, for himself as well. If it rains, Luhan talks to Cat inside his apartment, and reads Minseok's books to him.

 

Every morning, Luhan wakes up from his nightmares to be greeted by Cat's curious eyes. Luhan prepares cans of fish for Cat and a sandwich for himself. He gets dressed and heads out with Cat on his heels. Luhan has taken to do grocery shopping with Cat after their dates at the park.

 

Although Luhan goes out more, he still talks to no one other than Cat, his silent listener.

 

"Hey, Cat," he says under the maple tree. They are staring at kids playing tag around the jungle gym. "Have I ever told you about…"

 

Luhan will repeat his stories often. They're always the happy ones. Cat never hears of the others. Luhan tries not to think of them, but they're always there, tugging at the front of his mind, even if he doesn't say them out loud.

 

Sometimes, if Cat is lucky, he'll get to hear a new story.

 

_"Luhan, wake up."_

 

_Luhan groans and buries his face under the covers._

 

_"I made you your favorite breakfast."_

 

_Luhan peaks out from the blankets, squinting his eyes at the bright light filtering in through the windows. His vision is still blurry and spotty as his eyes adjust. The first thing he sees is Minseok's almond eyes staring down at him. Minseok is grinning._

 

_"… chocolate chip ice cream waffles?" Luhan croaks._

 

_"What else would it be?"_

 

_Luhan jumps out of bed, blankets flying everywhere, and nearly tackles Minseok with his hug as he runs to the kitchen. Luhan has always had a sweet tooth. Minseok can only watch him eat his bountiful amount of sugar, in amusement._

 

_"So what did you want to do for your birthday? Nineteen is a big year."_

 

_Luhan thinks as he chews his food. There are ice cream dribbles running down his chin. He looks like he's ten instead of nineteen._

 

 _"I wanna go out and try to drink a bit."  
_  

_Minseok is silent for a moment._

 

_"Are you sure?"_

 

_"Yeah. I'm of age now so it's no problem." He could see the hesitation in Minseok's expression. "Is there something wrong?"_

 

_"No… I just…"_

 

_"Are you scared?"_

 

_"A bit."_

 

_"Hey, we'll be doing it for the first time together. We'll be fine. You turned nineteen last month."_

 

_"I'm just worried… what if something happens to you? What if someone slips something in your drink and I don't see it? What if-"_

 

_"We don't even need to go out to a club. We can do it right here. Don't worry. Nothing bad will happen if we're at home." Luhan takes Minseok's hand. Minseok looks up at him. "You don't need to be the responsible one all the time, Minseok. It's okay. We'll take care of each other."_

 

_Minseok feels guilty about holding Luhan back on his birthday and starts to apologize, but Luhan leans in to kiss him, telling him not to fret about it. Luhan is happy as long as Minseok is happy with him._

 

"Then he said to me 'I taste ice cream all over your lips.' We kissed some more after that."

 

_-_

 

"There was this one time where Jongdae got off his shift early and class hadn't started yet. He came to sit with us."

 

_"My favorite two love birds. How are we doing?" Jongdae says as he pulls up a chair to their table, and casually sits on it backwards. Jongdae leans his arms against the backrest of the chair in front of him; his legs are straddled around the chair's seat. He's tapping his foot to some beat that only he can hear._

 

_"We're not dating," Minseok and Luhan say in unison. They blush and look away from each other._

 

_"Right. Well, how are my two totally single dodo birds doing?"_

 

_"Minseok is stressed out because he got a bad grade."_

 

_"Luhan! Shut it…"_

 

_"What did he get?"_

 

_"He got a-"_

 

 _"No, no, no don't say it!"  
_  

_"B minus."_

 

_Jongdae breaks out into laughter. Luhan laughs along with him. Minseok glares at them both._

_"It's not funny! This is the lowest grade I've ever gotten on a math quiz." He pouts._

 

 _"Right, right, right. I'm sorry." Jongdae calms himself down. "You know it's not the end of the world. My_ highest _grade in math is a B minus."_

 

_Minesok is still frowning._

 

_"Don't tell me you're one of those kids who gets a lower grade on a test than usual and goes all 'ah now I won't make it into advanced next year and a university wont except me and I'll never get a good job and I'll have to join the circus.'"_

 

_Minseok doesn't say anything._

 

_"You are, aren't you?"_

 

_"He really is," Luhan adds._

 

_"Take it from a kid who's already in college when I say that little slip ups don't matter. Don't care about the tiny mistakes you make or your life will only be a pain in the ass. Focus on the big picture and the things that'll have a long term impact." Jongdae checked his watch. "Oh, gotta go. Class starts in five minutes." He starts gathering his things and putting the chair back. The chair squeaks as it's dragged across the floor. "Hey, you can trust me. I didn't turn out bad so far, right, guys?"_

 

_"Eh…" they both reply._

 

_Jongdae laughs. They start laughing with him._

 

_"I'll take it." And he heads out the door._

 

_-_

 

"Cat, I've never really had a pet before you. I guess I tried once, but it didn't really last too long. Maybe you'll know of the cat I'm talking about, if word of other cats gets around in the streets. But you're probably too young."

 

_"Minseok!" Minseok is sitting on the balcony, typing away at his laptop when Luhan comes running in. "You've been a bit stressed recently so I got you something!"_

 

_"Aw, Lu. That's sweet." He finally pauses from his work to look up at his boyfriend. "I can't wait to see it." He flashes a gummy smile._

 

_Luhan pulls out a pet carrier._

 

_"Um… what's that?"_

 

_"Your surprise!" Luhan pulls out a tan mass of fur._

 

_"I-is that a cat…"_

 

_"Well, yeah."_

 

_"Where did you get that?"_

 

_"Found him."_

 

_"…"_

 

_"I got him vaccinated! Don't worry." Minseok breathes a sigh of relief. He's still a bit weary around cats since he got attacked by a stray when he was younger. "I wanted to cheer you up a bit. Since university has been stressing you out so much. Cats are supposed to be relaxing."_

 

_Minseok looks in the green eyes of the small creature. It seems harmless enough._

 

_For awhile, Minseok keeps his distance. The cat does as well. Both are rather independent and only accept attention when desired. They both enjoy a peaceful moment and are quiet and timid. What Minseok enjoys is the feeling of not being alone whenever Luhan is at class. It is tranquil company as Minseok studies for his own classes, sits on the balcony, or stares blankly out the window. It is the kind of feeling he doesn't know he needs until it is there._

 

_The cat can sit so still, just letting his senses absorb the whole world, as to not miss a single moment. Minseok learns that cats take things slow. They are silent observers, just like him, although better at what they accomplish. Cats must never be stressed, Minseok comes to think._

 

_One day, Luhan comes home to find Minseok and their cat on the balcony, staring at the streets below. Neither of them move. The wind blows through their hair, and the late afternoon light sets them aglow. Luhan thinks it's angelic. Minseok is sitting in a whicker chair, while the cat is perched on the balcony's railing. Luhan doesn't want to disturb them, but they both hear him and turn around at the same time. Luhan laughs._

 

_"You two are starting to act alike. You even look a bit like each other."_

 

_"What do you mean?" Minseok says, amused._

 

_"I think it's the eyes, mostly. They're both like almonds and a bit upturned at the corners. Very delicate looking but a really intimidating gaze when you want it to be. I wouldn't mess with either of you. And you're both so quiet. I wouldn't have even known anyone was here until I saw you." Luhan smiles. "But I love it."_

 

_"Thank you, Luhan."_

 

 _"For what?"  
_  

_"I don't know. Really, for everything you do for me."_

 

_Luhan smiles until he feels like he could burst. And even then, he keeps going._

 

"Minseok began to laugh a lot more after that. I think he finally started to let things go a little and relax because he really just took it slow and was able to sort out his thoughts. Find himself a bit. And I really envy his ability to do that. I can't sit still. But sometimes, it was hard to tell with him. Because, as you know, being a cat and all, you keep a lot to yourself and there's a whole lot going on in that brain of yours that no one can understand." Luhan sighs.

 

"Ah, but what happened to that cat? We found missing cat posters all over the city with a picture of our tan little beauty. So we did the right thing. The owners were glad to have him back and were grateful we took such good care of him. It was sad to let him go, and I was worried that Minseok would get stressed again. But he seemed to learn a lot from that cat in the short time we had it. So he still smiled and everything, even when it was gone. Minseok was a strong person, I tell you. A hard one to break."

 

_-_

 

_The world is spinning. The world is always spinning but right now it's especially spinning. Who did that?_

 

_Luhan is lying flat on their bed, and Minseok's small form is sprawled out on top of him. There are tears running down Minseok's cheeks, but he doesn't think Luhan has noticed quite yet. The room is entirely silent except for their breathing. It's getting dark outside. The air smells of alcohol._

 

_"Minseok."_

 

_Minseok startles at the sudden sound of Luhan's voice. His head is pounding. He's somewhere in between being so light that he floats and crashing down to earth._

 

_"Why are you crying?"_

 

_"I'm not."_

 

_"You are." Luhan wraps an arm around Minseok's middle. "Tell me why?"_

 

_"It's nothing."_

 

_"You never cry. It's something."_

 

_Minseok hesitates but finally relents. The alcohol has loosened his tongue. He hates that bitter liquid._

 

_"Have you ever thought what it would be like if we were apart?"_

 

_"Minseok…"_

 

 _"And I don't mean that we stop loving each other someday. But what if something happens to you? Or to me?"  
_  

_"Where did all of this come from?"_

 

_"I'm scared. I'm scared I can't protect you."_

 

_"Min, I know I'm a reckless person sometimes and I'm impulsive and I can't control my anger, but you shouldn't worry so much. I'm better. I told you this morning, you don't always have to be the level-headed responsible one. You have the right to be reckless too."_

 

_"No, but I want to. I want to look out for us. Because you don't have your parents for much help. And they never really were there for you. I want to protect you and show you that I won't abandon you like they did… I want to…"_

 

_"Minseok, that's enough. There's nothing to worry about. We're going to make it out of university okay and we'll be great living on our own after that. No parents, no bullies."_

 

_"But what if I'm not enough? What if I'm too weak like I was when I faced those kids from school? What if I let something happen to you? What if you're taken away from me? This all feels too good to be true. I love you too much, Luhan, that it hurts." Minseok's voice is uncharacteristically loud and desperate. It's usually soft and even. Luhan doesn’t know he felt this way._

 

_"I'm afraid that one day the universe will decide to sweep you away because of some dumb good versus evil balance issue because we tipped the scale and there isn't enough bad in the world so love becomes illegal and then-"_

 

_"Minseok, I'm serious. There's no good versus evil universal balance. Love can't be illegal. We'll be fine. I think you've drunken too much."_

 

_They lay there in silence. The room is now completely dark with only the city lights of the street shining in from the window._

 

_A long time passes before Minseok speaks again. Luhan is nearly asleep when he does._

 

_“_ _‎_ _'Everything passes. Nobody gets anything for keeps. And that's how we've got to live,'” Minseok mutters._

 

_"Is that another quote?"_

 

_"Yeah."_

 

_"What's that from?"_

 

_"Murakami."_

 

_"I should've known."_

 

_"It's true, though, isn't it?"_

 

_"It doesn’t have to be."_

 

_"But nothing really is permanent. Think about it."_

 

_"I don't really want to."_

 

_"That's okay. I'll think about it for the both of us. You shouldn't worry about worry about things like that."_

 

_"What?"_

 

_"Let's go to sleep. Happy birthday, Luhan."_

 


	9. E

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I reference some quotes from the earlier chapters so if you get confused, that's probably what it's from!  
> We're also getting rather close to the end! I hope you've enjoyed it so far. As always, please comment or kudo! It really helps motivate me.

⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬜⬜⬜

 I  N C  A R  N A T  E

 

"Once the storm is over you won't remember how you made it through, how you managed to survive. You won't even be sure, in fact, whether the storm is really over…"

 

 

 

Everything is as usual, only it's overcast today and Luhan is deciding whether or not he should chance it with the whether. However, Cat, who is usually silent and easygoing about what they do, is mewing and pawing at the door. He's restless inside today, which Luhan finds odd, but it's enough to sway Luhan's decision. Before they leave, Luhan grabs an umbrella just in case.

 

They're walking swiftly down the street. The beggar sits in his usual spot and somewhere along the way, someone gave him a jacket to wear. He's spouting nonsense about the weather.

 

"Someone… tonight… a storm is coming. It's coming and it wants someone… it'll take them in it's great big hands and squeeze them dry like lemons… Shakespeare, oh great play actors, guide the audience in this great pandemonium! This mass cathar-"

 

A woman drops coins in his cup to keep him quiet. It works.

 

There's a strong breeze today in the humid July air. The undersides of trees' leaves lift up and turn around in the air, threatening to fly away. The tree holds them in place until winter will start to seep in. Then, it must let go.

 

Luhan comes to the last intersection before he crosses the street to the park. He notes that there are no children out today.

 

Only today, he is following Cat's path and Cat does not stop at the crosswalk to the park. He walks right past and doesn't even glance over. Luhan runs after him, eyeing the park across the street. He finally catches up and lifts Cat into his arms. Cat struggles a bit, but calms down at Luhan's touch.

 

"Cat, what are you doing? We've walked to the park nearly every day don't tell me you’ve forgotten the way."

 

Cat looks up at him with his wide eyes and then turns his head to the storefront they've stopped in front of. Luhan looks up to follow Cat's gaze.

 

Luhan feels like he's been struck by lighting. It's a familiar feeling. He hates that.

 

He can't move.

 

His vision blurs in an instant and his knees give out as Cat jumps out of his arms.

 

Through aching, burning eyes, he can see that the old, busted up letters that made up "REANIMATOR" have been taken down. The only thing left are hinges and rusted screws where the sign used to sit. In the window, the red "FOR RENT" sign is gone and replaced with "SPACE SOLD" while a poster for a chain restaurant, that appears on nearly every street corner, is hung up in the dark window that's covered in graffiti. There are little grey splotches of walked on gum stuck to the ground in front of it. How many is that now? One hundred and ten, one hundred and eleven, one hundred and twelve, one hundred and thirteen…….

 

He's terrified.

 

He's terrified of falling.

 

No roofs are safe what were you thinking?

 

His legs are wobbly but he gets up and starts running.

 

The black lines of graffiti on the window come alive and chase him like snakes.

 

He stumbles but keeps going.

 

The sky starts crying with him.

 

And here comes the lighting that struck him.

 

The wind broke his umbrella.

 

It's mangled and demented.

 

He hears yelling.

 

Is he the one yelling? Are other people yelling?

 

My head is so crowded there are too many sounds too many people I hear the monsters but I think that one is me.

 

There's a crash there's the squeal of tires on the asphalt there's the clang clang clang of metal on metal and we're spinning spinning spinning where are we headed down to?

 

The rabbit hole?

 

I don’t like down but I don't much prefer up because whenever there's an up there must be a down?

 

Like a seesaw. I hate seesaws then.

 

There's a seesaw in that park.

 

Did it see the crash? Did the seesaw see the crash? Well I saw it.

 

There's blood and no one is moving. There's blood all over the windshield and he's not moving.

 

I'm the only one moving.

 

Why only me?

 

Keep running.

 

The graffiti is after you.

 

No I'm sorry, sir, I don't have money on me today and I don’t have the time to stop. I must keep running.

 

This tuna is for my cat I can't help you.

 

This jacket is because I am cold I can't help you.

 

This ring is for my husb-

 

Oh.

 

_The sun is hot. The sun is blinding. The flowers are dying. Everyone is burning up._

 

_No more hot coffee on busy mornings for two._

 

What kind of drug is this? I don't think it's ever been this wild before.

 

It tastes like coffee.

 

But not instant.

 

It better not be instant.

 

Please tell me what you've given me? I'm not sure I like the feeling.

 

I'm not sure if I like any feeling.

 

Don't make me go back there.

 

The memory is eating me alive there won't be anything left don't make me go back there.

 

That’s a tough one. Luhan still doesn’t understand. The only thing I understand is the present.

 

The only thing I understand is the present.

 

The only thing I understand is the present.

 

The only thing I understand is the present.

 

If I say something enough it becomes true, right?

 

The only thing I understand is the present.

 

The only thing I understand is the present.

 

The only thing I understand is that Minseok is alive.

 

Minseok is alive.

 

He's here.

 

I can feel it he's here.

 

No, don't make me go back.

 

It's white everything is white and I vomited there.

 

Hospital sheets are supposed to be white.

 

Clean and beautifully white.

 

You keep things clean. I don't. Sorry.

 

But the dust bunnies??

 

The sheets now they're dyed red and it spells out SPACE SOLD in blood.

 

Minseok, you told me you wouldn't let that happen.

 

What about Jongdae?

 

You told me.

 

You told me you'd save me.

 

You told me.

 

You told me you won't let that happen and you told me that you'd catch me when I fall and I'm falling right now and I can't find you.

 

But maybe that's my fault.

 

It's white everything is white and I vomited there. I tainted it. It's my fault.

 

Why can't you hate me?

 

I ruined the white sheets.

 

I did this to you so why can't you hate me?

 

_I told you this morning, you don't always have to be the level-headed responsible one. You have the right to be reckless too._

 

So be reckless and impulsive and hate me, just this once. If you're dying I want you to die hating me.

 

Hate me for what I've done to you.

 

Hate me.

 

Hate me.

 

Hate me.

 

Hate me.

 

Hate me.

 

Maybe if you hate me I won't love you anymore.

 

Maybe if I hear it from your own damn beautiful lips I won't love you anymore.

 

Damn it hurts.

 

Hate me.

 

I don't want to love you anymore.

 

Hate me.

 

I'm hurting because I love you.

 

Hate me.

 

If you can't just hate me I'll make you.

 

I wish I had never met you.

 

Hate me.

 

It would've saved me all this pain.

 

Hate me.

 

Why do all of these good memories have to hurt so bad?

 

Hate me.

 

I'm in pain because I was happy.

 

Hate me.

 

You were right about the universal balance. Love is illegal.

 

Hate me.

 

Oh god it hurts.

 

Hate me.

 

It'll be over soon?

 

Hate me.  
 

Just a little longer.

 

Hate me.

 

I'm nearly there so just hate me!

 

-

-

-

 

Cat tugs hard on the sleeve of Luhan's jacket, loudly hissing as he pulls. It finally get's Luhan's attention as his vision clears and comes face to face with endless amber eyes.

 

Cat backs away and watches Luhan regain his senses.

 

The first thing Luhan notices is that he's soaked through. It's pouring hard and he can hear thunder boom up above.

 

He's also cold and sitting in a musty alleyway away from the street that smells like cigarettes and bitter alcohol. It's a tight space and the brick walls around him are painted black. There's graffiti drawn all over them but it's not attacking him anymore.

 

He finally looks down at his own state.

 

In his right hand, the arm that Cat pulled on, he his firmly gripping a sharp piece of metal. He eyes the broken umbrella sticking out from one of the dumpsters stowed in the alley. Who carried it away from him? Cat stares on and licks his paws.

 

Luhan is afraid to look at his other arm, but he relents and looks anyway. There are long, deep wounds running the length of his forearm and the sleeve of his jacket was torn off. The wounds are still bleeding. He's never been this bad before. But, as usual, he doesn't remember doing it. He rips off a piece of his jacket and wraps his arm to stop the bleeding. Cat walks over closer to him.

 

Luhan slumps against the wall and closes his eyes as he tilts his head back, letting the rain fall on his face as he waits for his adrenaline to calm down, and the pain of his cuts to return.

 

He feels dizzy.

 

He's somewhere in between living and dying.

 

He feels entirely empty and drained. All of his emotions are spent. It's a new feeling. But this is what he wanted right? To stop feeling? And yet, he's not sure if he likes it.

 

"Hey, Cat," he thinks he hears himself say. He's not sure. He's probably dreaming.

 

"What do I do?"

 

"What do you feel like doing?"

 

"Honestly, nothing."

  
"Sometimes it's okay to do nothing."

 

"I've been doing nothing and it hasn't been working. I don't want to be like this anymore."

 

"What I mean by nothing is to realize that life will push you around, but there's no use in fighting it."

 

"That sounds depressing."

 

"Let me put it this way: if you don't waste your energy fighting against something you can't win against, you can use it for coping peacefully instead. Then maybe the universe won't bother with you anymore because you're no fun. Like bullies."

 

"I don't think I have any energy left. There's nothing left. I'm just empty and I wish someone would put a FOR RENT sign on me so I won't feel like such a dead-space."

 

"Fill yourself with good things then."

 

"Like what?"

 

"Good memories. I know you have plenty of them."

 

"They're all tainted."

 

"Why is that?"  
 

"Because I messed up and hurt the person that was a part of them. He refused to hate me for it all even in the end. That's just how perfect he was."

 

"Did you shoot him in the head?"

 

"What? No."

 

"Did you stab him?"

 

"No."

 

"Push him into traffic on purpose?"

 

"No."

 

"Then I don't see why you're to blame. You didn't hurt him on purpose and he can see that. You're flawed but human error is the cause of most accidents. You know, even he was flawed."

 

"But it was still my human error that caused all of this."

 

"And it might be harsh but there's nothing you can do but accept that it all happened. It can't un-happen, you know. I'm a cat and even I can understand that much."

 

"I know."

 

"He forgave you. Isn't that the most important?"

 

"…it's not easy to believe."

 

"Of course not. But you don't have to start believing right now. Or even tomorrow. Just keep it there, in the back of your mind."

 

"I don't like all of this."

 

"All of what?"

 

"Life."

 

"Well you can't just press pause. The longer you sit around and refuse the order of things the more behind you get because the world doesn't stop for anyone. Is it easier to swim upstream against the current, or with it?"

 

"With."

 

"So that's what you must do to survive. And eventually once you learn to survive, you can live." Cat moves closer. "People make mistakes, Luhan. Big or small, they're just mistakes and there's only so much we can do to make up for them. It's not always a leg for a leg or an arm for an arm. We can't beat ourselves up about it forever, even if we might want to. Someone taught me that it's unproductive. And I'm a cat that spends most of the day napping."

 

Luhan thinks for awhile.

 

"Can I still say that I miss him?"

 

"There's nothing wrong with that. It's healthy to recognize how you feel. But you can't keep it bottled up forever, or something like this will happen. It kind of just builds and builds like a volcano until it erupts. And by the end of the eruption, you've killed who you once were, and it's time to find yourself again. That's the emptiness you told me about."

 

"I miss him and it hurts and I don't think that it'll ever stop. It's like a part of my soul left when he did and whatever I had that kept me going just fizzled out. I don't want to remember anything if he's not here remembering it with me. One minute he's here and the next, he's gone before my very eyes. Death is so final. I can't comprehend it. If you break a glass bottle it's still there. But if a human dies, the body is still there but the person themselves really isn't. A lifeless body is not a person to be loved."

 

"You know the Law of Conservation of Energy?"

 

"What does a cat know about that?"

 

"Plenty. But you know it, right?"

 

"Energy cannot be created or destroyed."

 

"Energy only takes on different forms. Like those lights that you people have."

 

"I don't get it."

 

"Then I'll understand for the both of us. For now, think on it."

 

They are silent for a long time. Before Luhan opens his eyes to the world of the living, he hears himself speak one last time.

 

"Cat, one more question."

 

"Yes?"

 

"What should I name you?"

 

"I think you already know."

 


	10. :

⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬜⬜

 I  N C  A R  N A T  E   :

 

: I N T E R M I S S I O N :

 

 

The day was nothing short of perfect. I had no complaints.

 

It was like waking up in a cartoon land with the sun vibrantly shining and lighting up the world for all to appreciate its colors. Truthfully, I wish to go back to that day for many reasons, and one of them is to feel that filling sunlight hit my skin one last time before it happened. There was definitely something special about the sun that day. It was unlike any sun I've seen before, now that I think about it. But to us as we were living it, it was simply a clear and beautiful July morning. If it wasn't really special, and I'm just imagining things, what happened surely made it special. For one, it was the last sun Minseok would ever really see. Seeing the sun through a hospital window just isn't the same. Maybe it was shining extra bright just for him.

 

I don't know how it started, but as I said before, there are only a few things we ever argued about. Most of them were small, but whenever my parents came up, our house was like hell.

 

 

 

_"Luhan, we need to talk."_

 

_"About what?"_

 

_"You know what."_

 

_"Do I?"_

 

_"Seriously, Lu. I'm not saying you need to invite your parents to the wedding, but I think it would be a good idea to at least let them know you're getting married."_

 

_"They chose to be like this, so why should they care if I get married or not?? Unless I'm getting married to a girl, they're not going to give a-"_

 

_"Luhan. I know. But they're still your family. You don't even have any siblings. They're all you've got. I think they'd at least want a heads up."_

 

_"Fine. I'll send them a text or something."_

 

_"I mean, I think it would be proper to do it in person. You're on speaking terms now, remember? And even if you don't like it, they're getting older and it's our generation's obligation to take care of our elders."_

 

_"They never took care of me! I fail to see your point."_

 

_"My point is that they still put a roof over your head, they fed you, they sent you to school, and all I am asking is for you to go up to their door, tell them about our wedding, and leave, but you can't even do that."_

 

_"Minseok-"_

 

_"Luhan, I'm not done. I've said before that I am not taking anything away from the fact that perhaps they treated you differently because of your sexuality. But you're on speaking terms now, all parties have explained themselves and apologized, and you meet with them once every other month. So all I am asking for you to do is tell them that we are getting married, and you can leave and never speak of it to them again. I just don't want you to be cut off from your family. Family is important."_

 

_"Why the hell does it matter to you this much that they know?"_

 

_"Family is family, Luhan. Whether we like it or not. I'm joining your family so I think it's important. And people can change. The fact that you're meeting with them frequently is a sign of that. They seem to be trying, Lu. Let them."_

 

_"Well they should've tried harder a long damn time ago!"_

 

_I remember throwing a dish across the room. Minseok, calm as ever, just sighed. He didn't even flinch. I've always had a temper._

 

_"You're right. People do change. Like before I came out to them I was their amazing son that they were proud of and then suddenly I'm gay and I'm a piece of trash. You don't know anything."_

 

_I stormed out of the apartment and before I got out the door, I heard Minseok say one last thing._

 

_"Luhan, I see you haven't changed a bit."_

 

 

 

The thing with my parents is that I came out to them in a very similar way I acted in the moments I just described. It's a bit fuzzy now since it was such a long time ago and I've tried to block it from my memory.

 

It was the day I met Minseok and I believe my parents were voicing their opinions against gay marriage, along with the company we had over for dinner. I got so enraged that I started up with my yelling and told my family and extended family that I was gay. My parents beat me right then and there. I think it was only because their parents were watching, and that's what they would have done in their generation. I was pretty much a disgrace to the entire family.  
 

After, my parents fluctuated between trying to convince me that I wasn't gay, or trying to scare me out of being gay whenever a relating topic would arise. And all of that just made me more infuriated and my anger got worse and worse, and they had to deal with me throwing things around the house and almost never being home for meals. After that incident when I came out to everyone, they never beat me again. That is, until I started rebelling in every way I could.

 

You know that you're influenced by how others are feeling? If someone comes to you angry, you're probably going to end up feeling the same. I think that's what happened because I never talked with them at all about my feelings: I was always extremely defensive and closed off and in turn, that made them angry. You know I would throw things, but I'd also curse and steal money and skip school. Most of the time, our arguments didn't have anything to do with my sexuality. Only I thought it did. I figured that if there was something they didn't like about me, I'd give them even more to hate and I'd really show them what I was made of. I was awful. They were frustrated. Not only having a son that would not carry on their family blood, something very essential to Chinese culture, their son was also disobedient and lacked basic respect for his elders and for tradition.

 

I think I was still figuring things out for myself that I couldn't quite understand, and I started having this "me against the entire world" phase. I expected everyone to be angry at me at all times for being one way or another, but it was all just something made up in my head. It always felt like Minseok skipped that part of childhood, but when I think back, even he didn't escape. It was just different for him and he just made it a lot less obvious. There were a lot less vases broken in his home.

 

Of course, I still don't think any of it is an excuse for some of the worst things my parents have said to me, or all the times they would beat me, but I at least wish it could've beaten some sense into me, and I would've realized all of this a lot sooner. Or at least, soon enough that I didn't get this bad. When you're so dead set on something, you don't ever think of any consequences. You're a horse in a race with blinders on. Horses probably don't even know where it is they're running to most of the time. I don't know if I was any different.

 

And in the end, I think my parents were trying. Perhaps they got softer with age as well. I am their only son and their only child, after all. After I had spoken to them and explained everything, like Minseok had suggested before, things got better. They started to pay bits for my schooling and it was all still awkward and there will always be a lot of weight and sore spots, but we could speak again and I didn't blow up.

 

We spoke only lightly of my sexuality and my love life throughout the years. Over time, they started to seem curious and less uncomfortable, but I never really let them in or answered any of their questions. The most they knew was Minseok was his name, and he was the one that sent me to make peace with them. They seemed impressed, but maybe it was my imagination. So I don't know what it was this time that made me so against letting them in about our marriage. Maybe I didn't want my family problems to touch Minseok, because he never had to deal with any of that growing up, and I didn't want him to start now. Maybe I wanted everything to just stay perfect. It's easy to escape when you're not a ball of nerves because you just aren't thinking about any of it. Out of sight, out of mind.

 

And the dumb thing is that when my parents did find out, in a rather unfortunate way, they actually cried for my loss.

 

I can't tell if they were ever okay with it or not, but at least they had the heart to show some sympathy. Not everyone did.

 

Do I feel like talking about how it happened? Honestly, no. But I know that I need to. It's hard looking back and seeing how you messed up so bad, but trying to restrain from hating yourself forever over something you can't change and have to live with. There's really nothing I can do about that situation because it's just a memory that was said and done. But I know there's something I can do about my current situation, because there's still a whole lot left of it.

 

 

_I was sitting in the passenger's seat of Minseok's car with my arms tightly folded as I stared straight ahead at the road. It looked like the car was devouring the asphalt as it passed over. We would never backtrack over that same patch of road because the direction of traffic wouldn't allow it. We could only ever eat it up, not spit it back out. At least, we weren't supposed to. In the distance, I could see those mirages that look like puddles of water. Ah, many a weary traveler must've mistaken them for salvation._

 

_It was mid July and he had the air conditioner on full-blast. We usually had a CD playing, but not that day. We drove in silence. I was still giving him the cold shoulder for the argument we had earlier. When I stormed out, I grabbed some alcohol at a bar._

 

_"Luhan, I know you've been drinking."_

 

_I stayed quiet._

 

_"I smell it."_

 

_"So what does it matter?"_

 

_He just sighed and kept driving._

 

_"We're just going to the store, right? Minseok? You missed the entrance."_

 

_"No… I didn’t…"_

 

_"Yes, you did."_

 

_"No, because we aren't going to the store."_

 

_"You said-"_

 

_"We're going to your parents' house."_

 

_"Minseok I said no. I… I said no. Turn the car around."_

 

_"Luhan we're getting married in a few months! If you don't tell them now, then when?"_

 

_"I'm never going to tell them! Why does it matter if they know?"_

 

_"I told you before that your relationship with them is getting better and better and I think they're ready to be part of your life again. They at least deserve to know this one thing about their son's life. You're really all they have."_

 

_"But what the hell do you really know about all of this? You grew up and your parents loved you and they never saw you as some burden on everyone or a complete disgrace. You know nothing and you have no right to tell me otherwise I don't care if we're getting married or not don't tell me what to fucking do!! I'm not a damn child."_

 

_"You're acting a bit like one. Luhan you're drunk. Please, just calm down before we get there. Just tell them. It's not that bad. The last time you came back from meeting with them you said they wanted to know more about me. Isn't that a start? They're trying their best to be open, so why can't you try too?"_

 

_"They never fucking wanted a son like this and now that they're closer to dying they just want to make nice again. That's why. I bet they don't even care at all because when did they ever?"_

 

 _"I think they cared plenty when they had to watch their son grow up into someone who can't keep his temper and would rebel at any chance he got. I think they cared because they wanted you to do well in life but you never listened. Like what you're doing right now. Of course most people of the older generation can't accept same sex couples because according to what they were taught, it's a sin and great disobedience. Disobedience back then earned beatings. They don't know anything else and they're slowly coming to terms with the way things are now. The most important thing is that they're trying. I know it could have been sooner, but it's better late than never. I believe the reason they're like this is because in some messed up way, they love you and don't want you to become a bad person. So now it's_ your _job to let them know that this whole marriage to a man is fine, we're fine, and you're now a matured adult that can handle yourself, gay or not."_

 

_"… just… fucking turn the car around! I'm not talking to them. I can't. I'm not doing it. Screw them and their archaic conservative thinking and fuck whatever kind of love they want to give me because I don't want any of it. My family should just leave me the fuck alone and so should you if we're becoming family."_

 

_"Luhan, they're trying and-"_

 

_"Just shut up! Shut up because you're siding with them and you can't even see that they did anything wrong. Stay up there in your little privileged cloud where you're allowed to love your parents. Fine. Go on."_

 

_"You know that I said what they did to you wasn't right."_

 

_"Then why are you betraying me? You said you love me and you're betraying me."_

 

_"I'm no-"_

 

_"If you're not then turn the damn car around! I'm not speaking with them."_

 

_"Lu, I'll pull over. Just calm do-"_

 

_"God, fuck this!! Fine you don't love me, then I don't love you either."_

 

_It all happened faster than my mind could process._

 

_"Luha-"_

 

 

 

 

I remember my hands coming in contact with the steering wheel and latching on in an attempt to turn the car around. But of course, that's not how it works when you're on the freeway. Maybe I wouldn't have done it if it weren't for the alcohol. Or maybe I would have. I'm just creating excuses again. It's scary to think that I may have even done it sober.

 

I felt raw and desperate and I can't even explain why. My life wasn't in any actual danger until I made it that way. For a split second my mind drifted to think "what would happen if I just grabbed the steering wheel? Would I be able to turn the car around or freak Minseok out enough to turn it?" and just as I was thinking it, I was simultaneously doing it. I couldn't even stop if I wanted to because it was all over before I even fully realized. And I can't even say that I felt something overtake me which made me do it. It wasn't some black graffiti serpents controlling my limbs. No, whatever came over me was my own anger, my own reckless and impulsive nature, my own head never thinking of the past or the future. Only what was happening in the present. I was the graffiti artist this time.

 

I'm still scared to think that what if, deep down inside, I had rather killed myself than follow out my responsibilities. Or even worse, I did it because I wanted Minseok to shut up and never bother me about this again. What if I wanted him to die? I really don't think that it was either of those reasons, but what if there was even just a sliver in there? It's a harrowing thought. One that comes from so deep within you're not even sure it's you in there, but unfortunately you find nothing but you inside. Just knowing that I have the ability to think something up like that is truly terrifying, even when I know I didn't do any of this to him on purpose. I'd like to believe none of it was or is me and send that part of me off somewhere no one can find it. I'd like to bury that version of me, six feet under.

 

I know that I need the help I'm getting right now, but I needed it a lot sooner. Even before this mess. It cost me everything to realize this. But it's better late than never.

 

 

 

_Everything was so sudden and loud._

 

_There was the screeching of brakes, perhaps ours or the incoming truck's, the raw scraping and squealing of bent up metal, crashes of broken glass, and Minseok yelling my name but he couldn't quite get the "n" out because he was busy having his blood splattered all over my face and the windshield. And of course there was the loud whack of the airbags inflating. I felt dizzy and disoriented._

 

_Before that, he was trying to pry the steering wheel from me and avoid hitting other cars. After that, his arms went slack and his red stained fingers slowly slipped from the wheel's grip, and fell weakly at his sides. His head and neck were pushed back from the impact of the airbag and his eyes were closed. His lips were slightly parted. I watched in horror as I came back to my senses. He wasn't moving, only breathing shallow and slow. There were glass and shards of ripped metal everywhere. I barely even noticed the metal piece jabbing my back. I couldn't take my eyes away from him._

 

_It took me a good while to realize that the car was turned on its side and we had rolled down, down, into a ditch, and hit several trees on the way there._

 

_From then on, the entire time, my mind sort of just shut off. I couldn't think. I couldn't speak or act for myself. I didn't know what to do, so I waited for instruction and followed wordlessly. I couldn't even cry at that point my head was so frazzled. I do remember the sound of sirens blaring as they came closer and I knew that it was all for us. It took them a long time to flip the car back over and to get us both out of there. I was put in an ambulance because there was a bit of a hole in my side and I had a concussion and some broken ribs. While I was in there, they told me no other cars were involved in the accident, but they had to airlift Minseok to the nearest hospital because he was in such critical condition. They also let me know that they contacted my family. All I could do was nod._

 

_Reportedly, I can't remember myself, when I came out of surgery, the first thing I said was Minseok's name. Then I went back to sleep._

 

_I was put on bedrest for quite a few days and wasn't allowed to walk around. The bed was uncomfortable, the food was awful, everything smelled unpersonal and sterile, and the person I shared the room with would not stop talking._

 

I recall that his name was Chanyeol, and for being sick with cancer, he sure seemed happy over just about everything. He even laughed when he lay down and his legs were too long for the blankets, and his feet were sticking out of the bottom.

 

"Does this beanie make my ears look big? Luhan??"

 

"Yes, it does, Chanyeol."

 

Chanyeol pouted and slid the beanie off of his head. Underneath he was bald. The pout didn't last for long, and was soon replaced by a toothy grin.

 

"Oh, maybe a bucket hat is better, then. I'll ask Baekhyun to bring one when he visits."

 

_Since I wasn't allowed outside of my room, I had to rely on doctors to tell me what Minseok's condition was like. His surgery went fine, and he moved out of the critical stage, but he was in a coma. They always said he should wake up any day now, but it started to just feel like excuses. Still, his parents and sister and friends came by to visit nearly every day and they'd talk to him and hold his hands. He was always unresponsive, but apparently people in comas can hear you speak to them. My parents came to see me frequently, but I never saw anyone else._

 

_I still had to stay in the hospital for another week, but eventually they did let me get up and walk around. My legs felt wobbly and weak, but I was determined to go and see Minseok._

 

_When I arrived there, there was no one else visiting. It was just us._

 

_So I knelt by his side and told him that I was sorry. There was so much more I wanted to say other than a lame "sorry" but nothing else would come out. For the first time following the accident, I allowed myself to cry. I couldn't stop. My head started hurting and my eye sockets ached and I just sat on the floor and held his hand. It wasn't as warm as it usually is and it felt so much thinner than when I held it last. When was the last time I held it? I can't even remember. Grabbing the steering wheel from his hands shouldn't count._

 

_In the midst of my crying, I felt him squeeze my hand once. It was incredibly weak; so unlike him. I looked up at him so fast that my neck hurt because I hadn't fully recovered. I didn't care about that pain though. I knew that I felt him move and that's all that mattered. I started shaking out of intense nervousness. Was he going to wake up? What would he say to me? Is he mad? Is he dying? Will he go back to being unresponsive? Does he not love me anymore?_

 

_I missed staring at his face. His plump cheeks had thinned out considerably and he was even paler than I remembered him being and there were bumpy, red stiches that ruined it's smooth surface. His lips were dry and colorless and his hair had grown out just a little. I thought I'd never see his large pointed eyes again, but I noticed them start to twitch. And soon, they fluttered open. He blinked a few times, staring up at the ceiling to get used to the light, and then shifted his gaze to look at me. He couldn't speak, but neither could I. I started crying again, getting his bedsheets all wet. A warm, giddy feeling came over me like a wave. It was like I was meeting my role model for the first time and I couldn't contain my eagerness to tell them how much they mean to me. And I want to be quick about it and say it now because the moment will pass so quickly and I may not get another good opportunity to say it again. I smiled so wide that it hurt and nothing mattered anymore because I knew he was getting better and that there was hope. Just the thought of hope can send someone over the moon. You only really know if you experience it after sheer terror and desperation. Maybe that's why Chanyeol was so damn happy._

 

_Minseok squeezed my hand one last time before his eyes shut again. I was still a crying mess but I was still smiling and I could taste the salty tears enter my mouth._

 

_Later, the doctor came in and I told him what happened. He was pleased with the progress Minseok was making. I practically skipped back to my room, even if there were stitches in my side, threatening to rip out._

 

_When I got back to the room, I didn't see Chanyeol's long figure in his bed by the window. Instead, there was a shorter person sitting on the bed who was turned away and staring outside at the parking lot. I recognized him as Baekhyun._

 

_"Hey, Baekhyun. What's up? Where's Chanyeol?"_

 

_Baekhyun turned slowly. There were tears running down his cheeks._

 

_Chanyeol had passed away that afternoon while I was gone, visiting Minseok. He was at one of his last chemotherapy sessions and had a strong reaction to one of the new drugs they put him on. His body was too weak to handle it, and just quit._

 

_I sat with Baekhyun by the window for a long time. We were silent for awhile. Baekhyun was the one to break it._

 

_"I never even got to tell him how I felt."_

 

_"What do you mean? I thought you were…"_

 

_"Together? No. We never got that far. He was diagnosed with brain cancer a few years ago and he's been in and out of the hospital frequently. And with everything going on, it's not like love was on the front of our minds. I mean, I had a clue that he felt the same about me but I guess I'll just never know." Baekhyun sighed. "Time moves too fast. You never know when it could be your own last moments, or your last moments with someone else. It's tricky like that. I took advantage of Time, thinking I had years ahead to get myself together and ask him out, but Time didn't like that so much. Doesn't like to be ignored."_

 

_I didn't know how to respond._

 

 _"I know you've got someone, Luhan. Your love for Minseok is the talk of the hospital. I'm glad you got to see him today. Don't take any moments with him for granted." He turned to look at me. It was getting dark outside. There were shadows running across his tired face. "Realize when you have something good in your life and follow it, Luhan. And even if you can't follow it to the end, keep up that same legacy that made_ you _feel like life was worth living. If you do that, carry it on in their memory, maybe you can be the same to some other lost soul out there." He pat me on the back and stood up, stretching. He actually smiled._

 

_"Well, it's getting late and tomorrow is a new day. According to the news, the weather should be nice."_

 

_"How are you so positive?"_

 

 _"That was_ his _legacy. I'm just doing my duty."_

 

_Baekhyun walked out of the room. I never saw him again. I know he's doing alright though._

 

 

 

For the longest time I had forgotten what it was that Baekhyun said to me that day. I'm glad I was finally able to remember it. It's the rest that I don't really wish to recall, but I need to. For Minseok.

 

 

 

_Slowly, as the days passed, Minseok would wake up more frequently and began to have more energy. After five days past when he first became responsive, he was able to sit up and say a few words. When I came in one day, the last day I needed to stay at the hospital for my own recovery, his parents and sister were gently talking to him at his bedside. He was smiling as much as he could in his current state. Before anyone saw me, I burst into tears and ran out into the hallway. I don't think I was ready to face him. I don't think I felt worthy of those wide, crooked smiles ever again._

 

_I did come to visit him every day after that. I always brought flowers and left them in his room. I tried to pick a time where he was usually asleep._

 

_On the fourth day of visiting him, I was placing the flowers on his nightstand, when I felt a hand reach out and wrap around my wrist. I turned to face him. He was smiling at me._

 

_"Luhan," he croaked out. His voice had always been soft, but never like this. It sounded so breakable. The last and first thing I had heard him say was my name. It took him awhile to get his words out. "Why… why do you always come when I'm napping?"_

_  
There was a lump in my throat. I couldn’t say anything, even if I wanted to._

 

_He gestured for me to come sit with him so I pulled up a chair. He was able to sit up and get a good look at me._

 

_"I'm glad… you've healed well."_

 

_I stayed quiet and stared at the ground._

 

_"I go in for another surgery… sometime this week."_

 

_I couldn't look at him. There were tubes running through his nose and in his arms and stitches all over his face. I was starting to cry again. I couldn't look at him._

 

_"They say… if I survive this one… I should be okay."_

 

_I sniffed. He knew that I was crying._

 

_"Luhan, why won't you… look at me?"_

 

_I took a deep breath._

 

_"Minseok, I'm so so so sorry for what I did and for putting you in this situation and I don't think I can ever forgive myself. I know I told you that day that I didn't love you but that's not true. That'll never be true so don't believe the me that says so because I love you so much more than anything in the world and I never want to let go of you and I'm so sorry that was the last thing you heard me say. That's just awful. I was just so disgusting and vile to ever say such a thing and to cause all of this… You told me that you'd catch me when I fall and now I want to catch you. But I don't know how I can live with myself after all of this.  You have every right to hate my guts and part of me wishes that you would because I deserve it but I think that thought really hurts the most  because I know that I'll never stop loving you, even though I got us into this mess. I can't ever stop loving you. The only real thing against the balance of the universe is if I stopped. I just can't stop loving you because you're my everything. You try your best to keep me level headed and even when I lash out you're always so calm and patient and no one has ever done that for me before. No one has ever invested so much in me but now I guess I know why._

 

_I miss your smiles and the way that you hum when you wash the dishes and your coffee in the mornings and when we would sit on the roof together and you would just hug me and keep me safe when I was afraid up there. I miss coming home to your smiling face and the house isn't clean anymore like you left it, Minseok. I'm sorry I just can't keep up… What about the dust bunnies? I miss your kisses and your strong arms and when you would read your books to me and I barely listened but now I really wish I did and I'm sorry for that too. I miss talking about life with you and I miss our cat and I miss being with Jongdae at ReAnimator and hearing you laugh at his jokes. I miss running from those mean kids in school because they could never get us and they'd just get so frustrated and we'd laugh and laugh at them. I miss feeling the warmth I had whenever I held your hand. And telling you that you don't need to worry so much about grades and school because mistakes are just a part of life. I miss the cute things you'd do and how you drooled in your sleep and I miss you telling me how bad instant coffee is._

 

_I don’t deserve all of that anymore, though. I had a chance and I ruined it. I ruin a lot of things. You're too good for me and I can see that now. Because you try so, so, so hard to help me but I never listen and I didn't know that someone so perfect exists until now and I took advantage of Time and Time didn't like it. I know that nothing is going to be the same but damn do I wish it could just go back to the way it was before. You know that I never meant for any of this to happen… I… it was all a mistake and I love you so much and I'm so sorry… I… God this is such a shitty apology and I'm sorry for that too."_

 

_I was breathing hard. By the end I couldn't stop crying and mumbling and I sounded more desperate than I ever thought was capable of my own voice. I finally looked up at him._

 

_He fell asleep. His lips were slightly parted and he was breathing slowly and evenly. The only sound in the room was the beep, beep, beep of a machine and the puffs of compressed air that helped him to breathe. I noticed the corners of his mouth were turned up. How could he smile after all of this? How could he smile because of me anymore?_

 

_I sat there crying for a long time until the sun went down. I returned to an empty home._

 

 

 

_The worst thing in the world is seeing the life slip away from the love of your life and knowing that you can't do anything to stop it. You feel helpless and weak. But no one can go against Death. Not even the strongest person in the world can fight and win. When it's time, the only thing you can do is let it happen. There's nothing else._

 

_In the days following his surgery, everyone was a bundle of nerves. I visited every day and stayed as long as the hospital would allow it. I made small talk with his parents and friends, assuring them that he would be okay. I think I was mostly just trying to convince myself. They probably already knew what would happen. I blocked it out of my mind._

 

_This time after surgery, he was awake, but just barely. This went on for a couple of weeks. He was barely eating and when he needed to sleep they had to give him shots of morphine to dull the pain. He would wake up extra groggy and he was often in a fog, not speaking clearly or coherently. When the morphine wore off and he had moments of clarity, he did his best to smile and talk weakly with whoever was visiting. Eventually I was able to talk to him without crying or the need to apologize every minute, but it took awhile. He was patient with me as usual, saying that things happen and he was sorry that he pushed me that day._

 

_I really didn't deserve him._

 

_He was in so much pain all the time and the doctors told us there was nothing more they could do for him. Some things were just too damaged. He would probably never walk again because of an injury to his spine and he would need a respirator for the rest of his life. One day, in a moment of clarity, he told me that he felt practically dead already, although even death might be better than this. I told him to stay positive. He just shook his head and gave a little laugh and said that he was kidding. But his gaze looked so hazy and distant, like he was staring into a deep abyss, trying to see to the bottom. Only, he was just staring at the wall._

 

_They had him on life support because practically every bodily function he couldn't do on his own anymore. The doctors left it up to him and his family on how long they should keep him on it. His family left it up to him and me. No pressure._

 

_It was nearing the third week after his latest surgery and we were well into August. He hadn't gotten any better. Only, now he was coughing up blood and they had to change the sheets fairly often._

 

 

 

_It was August 19th. He died August 19th._

 

 

 

_It was just the two of us alone. I was by his bedside reading his favorite novel. Kafka on the Shore._

 

          I shake my head. "You don't understand this, Miss Saeki, but I don't have any world to go back to. No one's ever really loved me, or wanted me, my entire life. I don't know who to count on other than myself. For me, the idea of a life I left is meaningless."

 

          "But you still have to go back."

 

          "Even if there's nothing there? Even if nobody cares if I'm there or not?"

 

          "That's not why," she says. "It's what I want. For you to be there."

 

          "But you're not there, are you?"

 

          She looks down at her hands clasping the teacup. "No, I'm not. I'm not there anymore."

 

          "What do you want from me if I do go back?"

 

          "Just one thing," she says, raising her head and looking me straight in the eye-

 

_"Luhan."_

 

_I stopped reading and looked up at him._

 

_"What's wrong Minseok? Do you want to sleep? Are you in pain? I'll get the doctors to come and-"_

 

_"No. It's not that. Can you do me a favor though?"_

 

_"Anything."_

 

_"You see that switch on the machine over there? Please… turn it to the off position."_

 

_"Minseok, I don't understand. That machine keeps you alive."_

 

_"I know it does."_

 

_It felt like my heart stopped. It took me a minute to find my words._

 

_"Min… I don't like this… you can't. The doctors said you'll live and…"_

 

_"I know what they said. But this, this isn't living. I can't live out the rest of my life bedridden and on oxygen. I'm in pain all the time and when I'm not it's because I'm drugged up and too clouded to feel anything. There are so many things I wouldn't be able to do like this and it would hurt me the most to live and keep seeing the things I can't achieve."_

 

_I was crying now._

 

_"Minseok… I'm so… so sorry I did this to you. You don't deserve this. You deserve to be out there an living and I… I can't believe this all happened… I…"_

 

_He reached out an held my hand._

 

_"Luhan, I said that these things happen. Of course I wish it didn't but there's no use in sitting around feeling sorry  when right now there's nothing that you can change. It took me a long time but I'm accepting it. That's all there is you can do. You didn't do any of this on purpose. That's enough for me. I don't doubt that you love me. I'll always love you."_

 

_"But I… I messed up… I messed everything up…"_

 

_"So learn from your mistakes for the future. Your future won't include me, but that doesn't mean you can't enjoy it."_

 

_"Yes it does!"_

 

_"I don't need or want you to punish yourself. What do you need out of all of this to feel okay again?"_

 

_"I need everything to be back the way it was before."_

 

_"Can that happen?"_

 

_"Min-"_

 

_"Can it?"_

 

_"…no."_

 

_"So you must live on an focus your energies into making your life as happy as it was before, even if it's not the same. I don't think you would want to live a depressed life? I know I don't want you to."_

 

_"That's all I know how to do anymore."_

 

_"Maybe you won't know for now, but I have faith in you. I always did and I always will."_

 

_"Why though? Look at where your faith in me got you."_

 

_"Because I love you, Luhan. I've always loved you and I'll never stop for so many reasons I can't even list them all. Have faith in yourself. You're strong."_

 

_I rubbed my eyes and slowly made my way over to the machine._

 

_"You're sure?"_

 

_"Yes."_

 

_My hands were shaking and I had to use both just to grip the switch tight enough. The metal felt cold under my fingertips. There was a click and the beeping stopped and all the lights on the machine shut off. I walked over to his bedside again._

 

_"Luhan."_

 

_His voice was getting weaker._

 

_"Yes?"_

 

_"Read me that last sentence of the passage you were reading to me before."_

 

_I picked up the book._

 

_In unison, we read it together. He had the quote memorized. It was his soft, wispy voice next to my rough and shaky one. I couldn't stop the flow of tears._

 

"I want you to remember me. If you remember me, then I don't care if everybody else forgets."

 

_"Luhan. I love you."_

 

_"I love you too, Minseok."_

 

_I tucked the covers up to his chin. His breath slowed down and eventually stopped. I stayed in the room until the sun set. Then I stood, closed the blinds so he wouldn't be disturbed by tomorrow's sun, and left to tell the doctors._

 

 

 

A while later, I was informed that there would be no charges against anyone. Minseok had told the police one day that the reason he swerved was because he was avoiding a deer that recklessly ran across the road. It was impossible to gather all the cars that witnessed the accident, so they just took it and believed him.

 

 

 

_The funeral was simple, but there were a lot of people there. A lot of people that really loved Minseok. From my side, there was barely anyone. Just my parents plus some other family members that really didn't want to be there. Everyone on Minseok's side knew about our engagement, but not one of my family members knew anything. Only that we had been dating. My parents did cry when they found out. They hugged me and I didn't realize how much I needed it until that moment._

 

_Jongdae came. He saw the obituary in the paper. I hadn't seen him since ReAnimator shut down, and neither did Minseok. Minseok would never see him again._

 

_"How are you holding up?"_

 

_"Not well."_

 

_"Doesn't look it. He was a good kid."_

 

_"I know."_

 

_"I'm sorry I never got to see you guys again after that."_

 

_"It's okay. You know, he wanted to start up a café in that same spot once he trained to be a barista?"_

 

_"No kidding?"_

 

_"Yeah. It really meant a lot to him."_

 

_"What are you going to do now?"_

 

_"I have no idea. I don’t think there's anything I can do anymore. Restarting the café was his dream and I don't think I should touch it."_

 

_He pat my back and handed me a piece of paper with his number on it._

 

_"Call me if you ever need anything, okay? I know it's hard but talking with someone helps."_

 

_"Of course."_

 

 

 

_During the viewing, everyone was utterly silent. I wanted something to distract my mind from all the thoughts running through it, but I found nothing._

 

_When I walked up to the casket I expected to see him looking different. But he looked just the same as the last time I saw him in the hospital. He was even paler, however. His lips were nearly white and his eyes were gently closed. He looked like he could spring to life at any moment and his eyes would open and this was all just a big misunderstanding. But of course, that didn't happen. He was so still. He was wearing a black suit and tie with red and white roses scattered around his body. He was peaceful. I wanted to sleep next to him one last time._

 

_I reached out my hand to his soft face. He was so cold._

 

_I felt every emotion known to man, and then some. They were like a bunch of messy chords all tangled up and I couldn't even remember which cord belonged to what. So I gave up on trying._

 

_On the walk outside to the gravesite, my legs felt unstable. I couldn't think. I couldn't feel. The sun was hot, but my body didn't want that kind of heat. I felt sick. I had the urge to sit with him in silence one last time and just talk. About everything. Remember the times where everything was normal and he was alive and we were younger. We never really got the chance to do that. There was so much more I needed to tell him. But it was too late. I couldn't have much of a moment there because the funeral hands had another funeral in less than an hour. Plus, everyone was getting impatient._

 

_Before they dropped him in the ground, I  walked up to the coffin one last time and peered in. I placed his half of our matching heart mugs next to the body. He always got the left side of the heart. I got the right._

 

_As much as I wanted to say one last word to him, I knew it would be entirely pointless. I was frustrated. But I felt desperate. I was frozen there. We both were but he didn't have a choice. He looked beautiful. The sun was hot. The sun was blinding. The flowers were dying. Everyone was burning up. Waiting in that God awful heat for me to do something other than just stare at Minseok in that menacing coffin. The black everyone was wearing didn't help. They were all annoyed. Someone whispered a snide comment but I didn't care. I, too, was burning up but I did not care. I only cared that Minseok would never feel this searing August heat again. The mug never to see it's other half again. No more hot coffee on busy mornings for two._

 

 

 

That's when the daily routines started. I'd wake up from the clutches of night monsters and shadows, walk to the bathroom to see myself get more and more sickly every day, make instant coffee, and head out to work. After work, I'd come home late, hallucinate that he was right there next to me, panic, cut up my arms and dive back in with the demons. Rinse and repeat.

 

That is, until Cat came. I haven't gone through that routine since.

 

Do I feel better? I'm not immediately sane but at the least, I'm surviving. I'll be alive again soon enough. He has faith, I have faith.


	11. R

⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬜

 I  N C  A R  N A T  E   :  R

 

"… but one thing is certain. When you come out of the storm you won't be the same person who walked in. That's what this storm is all about."

 

 

 

A man walks down the street in the early morning sun.

 

He smiles at children that wave at him as they run by on their way to school. He occasionally glances up at the bright, blue sky up above looking for shapes in the puffy, white clouds that slowly drift by. He doesn’t pay much attention as to where he is walking.

 

He can do this because this time, he knows exactly where he is going. It’s one of the more traveled on paths he takes around the city. These days, he likes to walk in areas he hasn’t seen before. Now, there is hardly a place that he hasn’t been.

 

The man has an onyx cat that’s been with him for over a year. Sometimes the cat strides in front, almost leading the man. Still, the cat never leaves his side. People stare, they ask the man questions. Girls coo at the tiny cat and want to pet it. The man stops for them and the cat rests by the man’s side. The cat is obedient and doesn’t shy away from the hands that reach out to scratch behind its ears. He closes his eyes and leans into the soft touches. The man gets asked the same questions nearly every day: why is there a cat following you? Where did you get him? To which the man always answers: “He’s from my husband.” He flashes a warm smile and no one asks further. They are satisfied with his answer.

  

Luhan stands in the sun at the crosswalk, absorbing its warmth that fills him up and pushes out whatever coolness was left over from the night. Although, even as we enter winter, these days, he has been needing a lot less to repel the night’s chill.

 

Luhan feels one with the city and all its sounds. He finds the whoosh of cars passing by, relaxing, the sounds of horns honking, exciting, and the many voices of people out in the streets, amusing. These are the sounds of the living.

 

There's a man in the street begging for money. The coins in his cup jangle together. Someone drops money in. He thanks them profusely. The man calls out to Luhan.

 

"Sir! Some change for food? You must have ten cents at least?" He's desperate. His voice is haggard and rough. The coins keep jingling as he waves around the cup.

 

Luhan stops before the man and has two ₩10,000 at the ready to give to him. It’s a built-in routine whenever Luhan travels down this street. He can afford it because despite his manager’s protests, Yixing, Luhan’s friend and the CEO of the company Luhan works for, promoted Luhan once he came back to work. The senior employees of the company had never taken a liking to Luhan, even from the beginning, as he was so young and fresh out of college when he landed the position. They were always tough on him, giving him the hardest projects. Luhan complained to Minseok about this often.

 

However, he has always been one of the most efficient workers, and for Yixing, even though he is Luhan’s friend, skill and competence has always been the most important. For everything that Luhan had been through and for how hard he continued to work, Yixing felt Luhan was more than deserving.

 

For a while now, Luhan has had enough money to buy a larger apartment, although he never did. He likes his small apartment with Cat and the balcony and the willow tree that lights up at night with the fresh set of lights they put in the other day.

 

The homeless man never recognizes Luhan, for he’s a little far gone, but he always smiles wide, flashing his missing teeth and thanking Luhan over and over. Luhan bows to him and tells him to have a nice day. Cat dips his head.

 

Luhan doesn’t cross the street to the park at the intersection this time. Instead, he keeps going straight until he stops in front of a closed storefront. He gets out his keys and smiles as he finds the right key and shoves it into the mouth of the lock, turning surely and swiftly. He enters, sighs and smiles at the sight. Cat comes in behind him and sits by his feet.

 

Light trickles in from the shop’s ceiling-to-ground windows now that the front isn’t boarded up anymore. The room smells of wood and fresh furniture. There are small tables set up in front of the windows so one could “people watch” as they sip their morning coffee. The old countertop still stands in the corner of the room, but the granite has been recently cleaned and polished along with new hanging lights installed up above. The café uses mostly warm colors of terracotta, mustard yellows and browns. Although the space got an upgrade, it’s all the same underneath. It’s still recognizable as the old ReAnimator. Just how Luhan wants it.

 

Soon after the chain restaurant bought out the space, the company started looking for different locations, realizing this wasn’t the most optimal purchase. The storefront wasn’t in the center of town and it was a bit on the small side for a popular joint. Luhan had no trouble, especially with the financial help of his promotion and Yixing’s influence, to buy out the property. Since then, this has been Luhan’s side project that is slowly coming together. He is nearly ready to open. He just needs to hire baristas and a manager to help run the store while he’s busy with his own work. Interviews begin within a month. He wants to be open for the holidays when people need coffee and hot chocolate the most.

 

Luhan already replaced the older coffee machines that were left and rusted out over time. Although the machines he got were different from the ones whey had before, the right barista could use them and create a cup of coffee to be as unique and comforting as the original. He was sure of it.

 

A lot was damaged from the fire many years back that started in the restaurant next door and traveled to ReAnimator. The walls were now rebuilt and painted a dulled maroon. The burnt floor was replaced with fresh and polished wood.

 

Luhan decides on sitting down on the floor. He crosses his legs and Cat jumps into his lap, nuzzling into his arms and purring. They stare on in silence at their soon-to-be café, taking in every detail. Luhan can’t stop smiling. He daydreams of what it’ll be like in there when it’s full of people and the air smells of fresh coffee and pastries. And maybe he’ll have small performances and he can invite local musicians to play music in the background. He wonders if Jongdae would be too busy, now that he’s signed on to a company, to come and sing. Come to think of it, he still has Jongdae’s number but he never called him.

 

Maybe schoolchildren will come in on cold, winter days and seek refuge from the chill in the café with hot chocolate. Or high school and college kids will come in to study and sip coffee. And maybe this will become a favorite old haunt for some young couple in love and there will be a proposal right in the café and everyone will coo and aww at how cute they are and the one being proposed to will say yes and everyone will cheer. He felt giddy at the thought. He could almost see it happening. He can’t wait to see the lively environment that he will create.

 

When he is done imagining, Cat jumps from his lap and he stands. He organizes some papers in the back room in preparation for the coming interviews, shuts off the lights and prepares to head out. He makes sure Cat is with him before he grabs the keys in his pocket and locks the front doors. The metal keys don’t feel cold in his hands this time: they are all warmed up from being in his pocket.

 

This time, he does cross the street to the park. He sits underneath his favorite maple tree. From his bag, he pulls out tuna for Cat and a sandwich for himself. He watches the school children filter in through the gates as they come to play during their lunch break. The sound of laughter fills his ears, and the rustle of tree leaves hum a soft melody. There are more leaves on the ground, now, than are on the tree itself. Winter is seeping in slowly. But trees lose their leaves in order to be reborn again in the spring. That’s how life works.

 

There’s the squeak of hinges on the swing set and someone is loudly counting down from ten as they play hide and seek. Luhan can see where they all go. One climbs up a tree that hasn’t lost all its leaves yet, another stows herself in a bush and one seeks refuge in the slide’s tunnel. There’s the thud, thud, thud of a soccer ball being kicked around on the field.

 

The soccer ball rolls up to his feet. He gets up to kick it back. Cat watches. Before he can, a young boy runs up and stops in front of him. The boy bows shyly. In the distance, his teammates are yelling at him to get the ball.

 

The boy stays silent, but bites his lip. It looks like he wants to say something, but nothing comes out. He is rather short and very thin and stares more at the cat by Luhan’s feet than up at Luhan’s face. He has a white sweatshirt on that’s dirtied from mud, and sweatpants that are covered in grass stains. Luhan would guess that the boy is around eleven or twelve.

 

Finally, Luhan smiles and picks up the ball, handing it to the boy, who bows again and mutters a thank you. Luhan smiles as he watches the boy run off and play with his friends. As he runs, Luhan can see a 94 on the back of his shirt, but he can’t make out the name written above it.

 

That night, Luhan dreams of soothing fireplaces, not fire that burns down buildings. He dreams of playing outside with Minseok and having Cat there by his side, watching them both kick around a soccer ball. In his dream, Cat is nearly six feet tall and only talks in Murakami quotes. Minseok is speaking to the boy with the 94 on his back, but Luhan can’t hear what he’s saying. It looks like he’s giving the boy advice. Chanyeol is the goalie and he has a full head of hair that’s dyed brown. Baekhyun is trying to discuss strategy with Yixing and Jongdae, and Luhan’s parents keep moving around the sidelines to get the best view of him playing.

 

 -

 

He doesn’t know how old he and Minseok are in his dream, but that’s not what matters. What matters is that his limbs feel light and airy and everyone is right there. Not physically, but he can feel the energy surrounding him and holding him, even when the sun comes and it’s time for a new day to dawn.

 

 

 

 


	12. E

⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛⬛

 I  N C  A R  N A T  E   :  R  E

 

"Listen, every object's in flux… they don't stay in one form or another or in once place forever."

 

 

 

Cat isn’t with me today.

 

He wasn’t with me yesterday either.

 

Or the day before that.

 

Or the week before that.

 

Since our routines began, I would always give him space. I know at night he would leave to go outside and explore the city. He really is an outdoor cat rather than a house cat, just the same as when he found me, and I respect that about him. He would always come home by the time I woke up and he was right there, ready to be scratched behind his ears. I would joke that maybe he was hanging around with his other cat friends, until I saw that each night he would come back with fresh scrapes. I always tried to catch him so I could treat his wounds but he would run away. The only time he would ever run from me. Besides, what do I know about how stray cats live? I truly think he’s happier being free like that. I can’t help but want to take care of him all the time, but I can’t force another life on him that he doesn’t want. I don’t own him and I don’t have a desire to. He’s a living being as well. If that’s where knows he belongs, that’s where he belongs.

 

I’ve been worried now that he hasn’t shown up for the past month or so. It’s never happened before. Unfortunately, after reading up a bit on strays in the city, I think I know what could’ve happened.

 

I hope he’s somewhere without scratches and territorial alley cats and that he’s eating as much tuna as he wants.

 

I wish I could speak in cat so I could have told him thanks. But I think he and his good-sized stomach know how grateful I am. Anyway, Cat, if you can understand me in the afterlife, thanks for everything, but I don’t need you anymore. I love you, I’ll miss you but I don’t _need_ you. I know you’d be proud of me for that. Rest in peace.

 

The last set of interviews for the new ReAnimator are today. I already have quite a few candidates in mind, but I still need someone to fill the manager barista position. Part of me wishes that Jongdae was still in college trying to find a job because I know he’d be perfect. I talked to him last week and for the grand opening, he plans to come and perform. I told him not to bother since his schedule is so hectic nowadays but he insisted and talked it over with his manager. I haven’t seen him since Minseok’s funeral. It’ll be great to catch up again during a happier occasion. Even without Minseok and without Cat, everything is beginning to feel like home again. I’m finally carrying out Minseok’s legacy. Not out of grief or wanting to finish what he didn’t get a chance to do, but because he influenced me to put good out there in the world. To make myself someone others can find inspiration in, as well.

 

-

 

Following interviews, I was exhausted. There were some that went well and others that didn’t. But no one really stood out to me. I think some of them would make great employees, but the senior barista position is the most important and I’m looking for a special sort of feeling. Like that gut feeling you get. Not the kind you have when you’re trying to pick lottery tickets and you think “yeah, these numbers. I gotta gut feeling about it.” But the kind that just hits you so hard you can’t even think about what your other options are. That’s the feeling.

 

Nevertheless, I’d still open ReAnimator with the staff I’ve already decided on until we can get the right manager. I have trust in all their abilities. I am keeping an eye on a Do Kyungsoo, since he performed the best in the skill portion of the interview.

 

The last person walked out of my office. I reclined back in my chair and stared at the ceiling, rubbing my temples. It was a long day and the last interview had not gone well. The kid couldn’t tell a latte from a regular coffee with milk in it. On top of that, he could only work Mondays and Wednesdays for two hours. I sighed. The ceiling was a smooth white. It was an arduous process, but in due time, it would be worth it. That gut feeling again. But I was definitely ready to rest for the day.

 

I closed my eyes and smiled. I said a little something to Minseok out loud. I had never been religious, but these short prayers have been my way of reaching out to the universe, hoping he’d hear or feel me at some point. Everything is connected. You just have to pull on a string and hope the vibrations reach whoever you want to contact.

 

 _Hey, Minseok? Are you proud of me? Don’t laugh, I know you are. Is that the kind of thanks I get? I’m just kidding. Wherever you are right now, I hope you’re doing okay. Nah, I know you’re doing okay. If you’re in heaven, I’m saying IF because I don’t know if it exists or not (remember we used to come up with ‘what happens after death’ theories all the time?), but if it does, I KNOW you’d be there. But anyway, if you’re there then I hope the smell of coffee wafts all the way up and your cute little angel nose will love it. If heaven doesn’t exist, and you’re just some spiritual energy that surrounds the physical world, then I hope the coffee scent blends with your abstract invisible being. I know, I sound crazy right now. But I know you love it. I know I can’t tell if or when you visit me, but please do. It’s not the same and I can’t see you but I’m lonely! You know I get lonely. Hmmm, I wonder if I would be able to tell if you came around? I suppose I’d have to be psychic for that. Wouldn’t that be cool? Min, it’s like I can feel you shaking your head right now at me-“_ I let out a carefree laugh. I was about to say something else when I heard a quiet knock on my office door. I was still laughing a bit.

 

“Oh wow how much of that did you hear?” Still, staring at the ceiling, I could tell there was a figure in the doorway. “Eh, you don’t have to answer that it’s okay.” The person let out a little chuckle. “Come in, come in. I thought I’d be done for today but I can do one more.”

 

I heard the person sit down in the chair across from me. There was the shuffling of papers and the chair creaking in the hanging silence. He handed over his resume. I spun around casually in the office chair a bit. I don’t know what was so interesting about the smooth, white ceiling today, but I didn’t take my eyes off it. I didn’t even bother to read his resume.

 

The interview portion went extremely well. He had been studying to be a barista for over a year, and nothing weird popped up during our conversation. He seemed young and entirely determined. For him, this didn’t seem like some side job to hold him over. That was the main difference between him and the other people I interviewed for the manager’s position. In addition, it felt easy to talk to him, as we drifted onto various tangents in our conversations and I ended up finding out that his favorite spot is the bookstore down the road, and he prefers strong flavors opposed to sweet. He hates anything in his coffee. His soft voice was comforting. He was confident in his skills, but not overly so.

 

Finally, it was time to conduct the skill portion of the interview. I still had not seen his face and I hadn’t even glanced at the resume sitting on my desk. He could’ve been lying to me this entire time. Something in me wanted to trust him, though.

 

“So now, I will test you in the actual job so I make sure you’re doing everything correctly and that, of course, you make a great cup of coffee.”

 

“Of course,” he said.

 

“So, to the machines we go, Mr. uh…….”

 

“Kim Xiumin.”

 

“Xiumin? Do you speak Chinese?”

 

“Ah, no. Sorry. I’m only half.” He really did sound sorry.

 

“Quite alright! It wasn’t part of the job qualifications.”

 

I finally stood up from my chair and I stretched out my arms as far as they could go. Xiumin stood up as well.

 

“Hope this part goes well because I could really use a cup of hot coffee.” I yawned.

 

Xiumin laughed. I finally turned to face him and I stuck out my hand for him to shake.

 

“Sorry I’m a bit informal right now it’s been a long day and-“

 

I looked up into his eyes because that’s what you’re supposed to do in a formal setting when you shake a person’s hand. Someone told me that a long time ago, along with a bunch of other curtesy rules, table manners and tidiness practices.

 

It was that gut feeling you get. Not the kind you have when you’re trying to pick lottery tickets and you think “yeah, these numbers. I gotta gut feeling about it.” But the kind that just hits you so hard you can’t even think about anything else in the entire world. That’s the feeling.

 

That feeling blew through me like fresh, rushing air on a rooftop at sunrise. It warmed me like strong arms that catch you when you fall. That feeling was sweet like chocolate ice cream waffles for your birthday. It was newly roasted and grinded coffee on a frigid day or as beautiful as pure, white and twinkling snow in the winter sunlight. It was a cashmere glove that prevents your hand from getting numb. It was so breathtaking like the contrast between a cat’s sharp gaze and its velvety, thick coat. It was like a novel’s climax and resolution all in one, strong, espresso shot.

 

I looked at Xiumin for a long time. He didn’t say anything but the corners of his small lips were curled up: his feline eyes all scrunched like crescents.

 

“Who are you, really?”

 

“I think you already know.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

_“One heart is not connected to another through harmony alone. They are, instead, linked deeply through their wounds. Pain linked to pain, fragility to fragility. There is no silence without a cry of grief, no forgiveness without bloodshed, no acceptance without a passage through acute loss. That is what lies at the root of true harmony.”_

-Haruki Murakami, Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage

 

 

 

 

 

 


	13. EPILOGUE [1]: MISSING TIME

 

It’s pitch black.

 

There’s a man.

 

The only way you know there’s a man is because I’m telling you that there’s a man. You can’t see him yet. It’s pitch black, remember? You’ll just have to trust me.

 

This man blinks rapidly in the dark, in hopes that he can adjust his eyes and see whatever is around him. But that’s impossible. There’s nothing around him except nothingness. Where he is, _Between_ , let’s call it, light is extremely picky. Looks like he’ll have to work for it. Is he up for the challenge?

 

The man can’t seem to remember how he ended up here, but he can’t remember being anywhere else at any given time. Because of this blankness in his memory, he has no reason to believe he ever resided anywhere else. Yet, somehow, he feels like he had, but when or where, he has no ability to say. He knows he’s forgetting something, but it doesn’t seem to matter now. How can one get upset over a memory that doesn’t even exist in their reality?

 

The man holds up his hands and all he sees is nothingness. Maybe his hands don’t even exist and he’s entirely transparent. When you can’t see a thing in front of your face, it really is the same as being transparent. You see through blackness to find more blackness where you find more blackness and more and more and more. It’s endless until you’re staring right back where you started, only, how can one possibly know where they started?

 

The man stomps his foot on the ground. It makes no noise but the ground is solid. He has no chance of slipping through. So, the man looks up at the expanse of a black landscape before him, and starts walking. He doesn’t remember why he should be afraid of the dark so he walks without hesitation.

 

He keeps walking for what seems like a long time for us, but he really can’t tell. Without a numerical value to time, there really is no such thing as long or short. He doesn’t get bored because there’s nothing he remembers that he would rather be doing than this. His legs never get tired and he never runs into anything solid. Yet.

 

His smoothly paced walking is interrupted as he trips and falls to the invisible floor.

 

Light finally rushes into his eyes in burst and flashes that hurt his entire head and soon his entire body feels as if it’s being prickled by pins. He is breathing hard and fast like there isn’t enough oxygen getting in to his lungs but the more he breathes, the faster the flashes of light come and the faster they start to form images that he can’t fully grasp but his mind recalls every single one. He feels his self being filled and filled until he is no longer a transparent, empty glass. Somewhere along the way, through the pain, he can hear what he thinks is himself, call out. But the sound gets gobbled up by the darkness and no one comes to his rescue. It’s something he must go through on his own. It is his own suffering that he is experiencing, not for the second time in his life, but the suffering that is his life. It would be unfair to involve others.

 

It ends just as suddenly as it began.

 

He remembers.

 

There’s a simple wooden door in front of him with an invisible light that illuminates it. He stands and looks beyond the door. There’s nothing behind it. It’s just an upright door.

 

He braces himself and put his hand on the cold, bronze, knob. With the arrival of his memories, he now remembers why he should be careful in situations such as these. He takes a deep breath, turns it, and pushes inward.

 

Before him is the same darkness as before, only there’s a single, round, wooden table and two, black, office chairs on either side. The setup has another invisible light above. The light gives off a warm glow, although the floor is just as black as before: there are no shadows cast because the blackness is a shadow. The man steps forward. Beyond the circle of light is that nothingness that suddenly feels more terrifying with the lighted area to contrast with. Eyeing the chairs, the man decides he should wait for whoever should occupy the second seat. The man sits down on the right chair.

 

He looks down at himself now that he can see. His body is a swirling mass of black smoke. He wonders if he still has his face, since everything else seemed to heave nearly disappeared. The only things he can’t remember are his own face and name. He turns back to the chair. There is a figure sitting in it.

 

The figure is wearing a black suit and tie. In the pocket of the jacket sits one red rose and one closed, white, rosebud. The figure has no face, no head. Where the head should be is a puff of white steam that keeps rising. The hands are made of steam as well. Despite the lack of a mouth or eyes, the figure appears to turn toward the man, and the man can hear an echo-like voice ring out through the darkness. The man is startled.

 

“Do you know where you are?”

 

“I have a clue.”

 

“Does it bother you?”

 

“I can’t change anything so I suppose it shouldn’t.”

 

“It shouldn’t, but does it?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Typical.”

 

The figure’s chest rises and falls like it’s sighing.

 

“This doesn’t happen often, you know.”

 

“What doesn’t?”

 

“This. Where we are.”

 

“What do you mean ‘where’ we are doesn’t happen often? How can a place…”

 

“Happen? Things work differently around here. Even I’m not sure, myself. Actually, I’m not sure of myself at all. I’m not sure what or who myself is. Ever feel like that?”

 

“All the time I suppose. And by all the time I mean, whatever time I’ve spent here. I remember things, but it’s all a little fuzzy still. Like I just watched a movie but it wasn’t my life. I feel so detached. And yet I’m certain it is my life.”

 

It feels like the figure is staring at him, even without the feature of having eyes. It feels uncomfortable.

 

“Listen, I can tell you for sure that it’s your life,” the figure says with an amused tone. “I can even tell you how to get back.”

 

The man looks up suddenly. He’s unsure if he even has a face but if he does, his eyes would be two, wide, saucers.

 

“How is that-“

 

“Souls have end destinations. Purposes. Places to fit in somewhere in the universe. If they didn’t, things would go terribly wrong. There must be a place for everything or some areas would overflow or they just wouldn’t work properly. It’s like when you sift flour using a sieve; each particle is trying to find the hole it fits through, breaking down smaller and smaller until they’re on their own. Finally, they can pass.

 

Where the concept gets a little more abstract, stay with me here, is when a soul finds itself in the wrong place. Like the parts of a puzzle that make up a flat color and you might think it goes between these two pieces but it doesn’t. And you don’t realize it until you try to put the last piece in and it’s not fitting. The universe works like that. Not to say that some things are just completely wrong, no, just wrong for the particular person. That hole was meant for another person but a different soul stumbled upon a reality that it not their own and fell in. Whether beneficial or not, it’s not right to have the wrong person in a space.

 

You know how time works, though. There’s no going back, only forward. So make do and change the mix up as soon as you notice it.

 

As Emerson put it: ‘It’s not the destination. It’s the journey.’ That may seem contradictory to my point, but really, the way things work, it’s not. Yes, I said souls have a final destination that is the most important. The story gets repeated time and time again, each with the same destination, but different journeys. And occasionally, when the journey leads down to a mistaken path, or mistaken ‘hole’ to use the term I said before, it can prevent the ending destination from ever happening again, which messes everything up.

 

To simplify things, this was not how your story was intended to go. No story occurs without a hitch here and there, but it’s rare for a complete halt. And so, to sum it up, you get a second chance.”

 

The man was quietly taking everything in.

 

“Are you worried about this whole concept? Not having true control over your destiny? That’s not it. Really, you have nearly complete control. And it is your complete control, who and what your soul is after every cycle of your destiny, that leads to the same ends. You, since the beginning of time, have set this spot in the universe for yourself and still, that is where your soul is aching to be, and no where else. And yet, it fell in this trap along the way. A disruption, a blip in the system. Trust me, if your soul wanted a different outcome one lifetime, it would’ve gone about it a different way.”

 

“… so to get this straight… none of this was supposed to happen?”

 

“I wouldn’t say none of it. It’s hard to tell. But you were not supposed to end up in the situation you are currently in.”

 

“And what it that?”

 

“In _Between_. Floating. Lost…”

 

“Dead.”

 

“Bingo.”

 

“And you can help?”

 

“Not fool proof but yes. I can do my best.”

 

“And you’re not the devil or anything? I’m not selling my soul to the devil?”

 

“We are our own devils. If you see me as one, so be it. Some guardian angel, I can be that too. Whatever this is can be anything. There’s nothing where we are, as you can see. No basis for good or evil. Here there is neither.” The figure holds out his hand made of steam. The man feels his hand made of smoke reach out to grab it.

 

The moment their hands come in contact, the figure’s hand becomes flesh and absorbs the man’s smoke body until there is nothing left. The figure changes forms; it’s body swells and shrinks and distorts and jumbles until there is nothing but a black cat and with amber eyes sitting in the spotlight amidst nothingness. The cat turns and walks into the dark.

 

This is not final: for the journey never ends.


	14. EPILOGUE [2]: SEHUN (final)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the end of the longest fic I've ever written. I hope you enjoyed that roller coaster of emotions, but fear not, this last chapter should heal you just a bit. Thank you for sticking with me until the end!! As always, please leave a comment or a kudos if you enjoyed it!! <3

One would expect his story to begin something like this:

 

_He was far too young to remember any of it. Far too young to remember their faces burning up in the angry flames and the awful, nauseating smell that he inhaled as he fought to stay alive and awake, even though part of him wanted to give up and lay right next to them as they slept._

But, in reality, although all of that did happen, and he should have been too young to remember it all, he actually remembers every moment of it. Everything down to the last detail. And every night, he not only remembers it, he relives it.

 

_He was six years old. His parents had just tucked him into bed; snug and tight. His sheets were freshly washed, smelling sweet of detergent, and were still warm from the dryer. It was November and the weather began to chill. He snuggled into his covers._

_“Sehun, at least have your nose out.”_

_“But mom, it’s more comfy like this,” Sehun said; his voice muffled as the crown of his head popped out of the top of his mountain of blankets. He was just a tuft of hair._

_“It won’t be for long if you’re under there too long.”_

_“Uuuggghhhhhh…” he slowly drew his head out. His mother pulled the blankets underneath his chin._

_“There. That way the angels can watch over your beautiful face as you sleep.”_

_“Mom, tomorrow can we go to the park? Jongin is gonna be there and we need to practice our soccer skills if we ever want to go pro.” He started kicking his legs under the covers._

_“If the weather holds out then I don’t see why not. But,” his mom said, putting a hand on his feet through the blankets, “that’s enough excitement for tonight, Mr. Soccer Pro.” Sehun settled his legs. “Time to sleep. You wouldn’t want Jongin to have an edge on you just because you’re sleep deprived.”_

_“What does ‘deprived’ mean?”_

_“I’ll explain it to you tomorrow morning. Now get some sleep.”_

_She bent over and kissed his forehead and turned off his rocket ship lamp. Only his star night light remained glowing warm in the corner. His mother quietly left and closed the door. Sehun buried himself under the covers as soon as she was gone. The smell of fabric softener filled his nose and lulled him to sleep._

_The next thing Sehun remembered was the awful smell._

_He woke up coughing to an acid burn stench that filled every inch of his body. The clock on his dresser read 10:50 PM. It looked much further away than usual; blurrier, obscured, like there was a screen in front of it. He attempted to sit up and his coughing got worse. It was warm in his room. No, it was hot. His night light in the corner was barely visible behind the screen; behind the smoke._

_He scrambled out of bed, unable to stop coughing. His lungs where burning. He tried calling out to his parents, but his voice came out hoarse and raspy and his coughing was so strong that he nearly gagged. Without thinking, he ran downstairs where his parents’ bedroom was. As soon as he got halfway down the stairs, he saw the entire room aglow with thrashing red light and dark, creeping shadows along the walls. The air was worse down here. The entire floor appeared to be on fire. In the center of it all, sprawled on the floor, were his parents and older brother, passed out from the heat and nauseous fumes. Sehun remembers himself screaming, remembers hearing sirens in the distance, remembers seeing the fire slowly seep into their bodies._

_He was sobbing as he approached them and the more fumes he breathed in the harder he coughed and sobbed more, gasping for oxygen._

_He was supposed to be far too young to remember any of it. Far too young to remember their faces burning up in the angry flames and the awful, nauseating smell that he inhaled as he fought to stay alive and awake, even though part of him wanted to give up and lay right next to them as they slept._

_He remembers laying down next to them where the flames hadn’t reached yet. He remembers grasping his brother’s still hand. He remembers the world around him blurring and turning to one mass inferno. He remembers a searing, stinging pain reach his sprawled out arms. He remembers hazy, dark figures come in to sight and lift him from the ashes. He remembers apologizing to the angels that he had hidden his face beneath the blankets, so they could not see him to protect him and his family._

_-_

At the hospital, once he regained consciousness, they told him what had happened. The restaurant below their apartment started a kitchen fire that became out of control. The building was so old that none of the smoke detectors would work, except one, that was turned off because it would get triggered nearly every day by normal kitchen smoke. Their building was the worst on the block, as it was nearly reduced to just its frame. In the café next door, one entire wall was burned down, and the roof collapsed in the center. Luckily, it was closed at the time and no one was inside. The owner would assess the damage in the morning.

 

As for Sehun’s parents and brother, they were not so lucky. His brother was in a coma for a week before succumbing to his burns and lung damage. His parents were already dead when they were pulled from the house.

 

Sehun refused to talk to the other children in the pediatric wing. Soon, he refused to talk to anyone. He rarely ate and was almost always reading books or asleep. Or at least, he liked to appear that way so no one would bother him with pain medication that made him loopy. For if he actually let himself fall into sleep, that night would return as vividly as if he was living it over again.

 

In books, he found a world where he could finally escape. He read more than the average five-year-old and his vocabulary grew, and grew, although he never used it since he became mute. Still, he looked forward to getting outside and playing soccer again with Jongin, who visited him every day after school. Jongin did all the talking, which was rare in their friendship before the incident. Still, Sehun couldn’t help but feel lonely talking to someone who still had both of their parents in this world.

 

To put it shortly, as a new word Sehun learned while reading, he felt _deprived_.

 

-

 

After the hospital where they healed his wounds, he was sent to a correctional institution. The institution wasn’t able to solve his mute problem, but he did avoid nightmares most nights and began to smile. Candles and smokers on the streets no longer sent him in to panic attacks. Still, they thought he might do better around other kids. So, after that, about a year later when he was six, they sent him to an orphanage, right across from the park that his old home overlooked. In the winter months, when the trees were bare, he could see through them to the rubble that was left of his old home, and the sad “FOR RENT” sign in the damaged window of the café next door.

 

He met other children in the orphanage, like Zitao, who had the classic story of being abandoned on church steps. He was left with a note that only stated his name and nothing else about who he was or where he came from. There was also Junmyeon who was several years older, and both of his parents were in jail for illegal business even he wasn’t sure about. His only family member was his grandmother who was ancient and couldn’t take care of him. So, he was put in the home and his grandmother would visit occasionally, until she died. Then, he was just as alone as the rest. It was a hard time. Sehun gave Junmyeon some of his Oreos and Junmyeon clung to him and Zitao through the night.

 

The positive about being in the children’s home was that Sehun finally got to play soccer with a team. Or, something as close to a team as he ever had. The caretakers had custom shirts made with each person’s name on the back and a number of their choosing. Sehun’s was 94. He began to open up more as the bonds formed with his friends there. He managed to say people’s names, please, thank you, and you’re welcome, but nothing more. He didn’t see the need to express much else.

 

The food at the orphanage was alright. It was nothing like the savory meals his parents used to cook him, using recipes passed down from generation to generation, but it was alright. Every day, he prayed to God, thankful for the roof over his head, his friends by his side, and for the life he still had that did not perish in the fire. It would keep the nightmares away once he closed his eyes, and keep the night terrors at bay so he wouldn’t worry Junmyeon or Zitao. Occasionally, once he got older, he would wonder if it would have been better if he did die along with his family. He always tried to shake off those thoughts as fast as he could, but once he was deep in, it took a long time to get him out. And once he did, Junmyeon was always there by his side.

 

He was twelve when Junmyeon turned eighteen and moved out of the orphanage to attend university in the city next to theirs. Although Sehun still had Zitao, it wasn’t the same. And soon enough, in late June, Zitao was adopted and taken away to a different city in a different country. They all wrote to each other, emailed each other, and Junmyeon would visit sometimes when he had a day off from college. But Sehun began feeling more alone than ever since the incident. He was floating, going through the actions, smiling when he needed to, but reduced to talking even less than before. There was no one’s name he wanted to speak; no person he wished to thank or verbally acknowledge. The caregivers took notice, but chose to ignore the change.

 

By this time, he long stopped praying every night, because at ten he questioned God and at eleven he was atheist. By the time his friends left, he thought religion was entirely junk.

 

Right after they moved out, he swore he would never speak again. In October, he met Luhan. And shortly after, he met “Xiumin.”

 

-

 

_He was playing soccer outside with the other kids at the orphanage. He was wearing the same shirt they had given him years ago, with his name and number written on the back. Sehun hadn’t grown all that much; only in height. He was still as skinny as ever, and the sweatshirt had always been too large on him. Now, the white shirt was covered in grass stains and mud, despite being washed regularly. He was proud of it, though; every stain and every rip. His childhood dream was written all over the plain white material._

_The first time he saw Luhan was from a distance. At some point, he wasn’t sure when, a man started showing up and sitting under the same tree every day, along with a mysterious black cat that followed him everywhere. If he looked closely, it appeared that the man spoke to the cat, who listened intently. Sehun was intrigued by the duo and spent more time paying attention to them than to the game he was playing. One day, he got an up-close look at them when he accidently kicked the ball too far in their direction. He ran to get it._

_He felt his face heat up as he choked up while trying to speak to the man; a familiar feeling every time he actually had something he needs to say. The man looked young with plump cheeks and wide eyes. He could’ve easily been in high school, but his presence every day made no sense for a student. Truthfully, the man appeared ageless. After a failed attempt of trying to speak up, Sehun just bowed a full 90 degrees until he heard the man rise to his feet. Sehun looked up at him; the cries of his orphanage teammates rang clear in the background. Hurry up and return the ball._

_Sehun met eyes with the stranger, and looked down to the ground as soon as they did. He found more comfort in staring at the eyes of the little black cat by the man’s feet. He bit his lip until it bled. His hands felt clammy and he was noticeably shaking._

_Before Sehun knew it, something was being placed in his hands. It was the ball. Sehun looked up at the man, who smiled gently. Immediately, Sehun dropped for another bow and managed to mutter out a “thank you,” before promptly sprinting away. He could feel the man’s gaze on him as he ran but it wasn’t unnerving; it was almost comforting. Like the kind of comfort that had died in ashes so many years ago._

 

Early spring rolled around. March was chilly and damp and grey and Sehun awaited April for two reasons: better weather and his thirteenth birthday.

 

From across the park, all winter, he would see less of the man that gave him the ball. He did see, however, more activity at the café next to his old home, and the man was always the one to open it in the mornings, and close it late at night. It appeared to be fully open again and they even began rebuilding the area around it. Through the winter months, it really sparked his curiosity. Being mute, he never really expressed his interests in much, so, no one knew what he was doing when he stayed cooped up in his room, staring across the park. No one knew he wanted to join the warm glow of the café on those snowy, now rainy, frigid days. The café felt alive and joyful; so close and yet so unattainable.

 

The orphanage owners kept good watch over the kids. They weren’t allowed outside on their own until they turned sixteen. Sure, Sehun could write a note to ask someone to accompany him to the café across the way, but he made this a journey he was determined to take on his own. Silently, he vowed to himself that he would do it.

 

After months of no one but kids and joggers in the park, the man appeared again, this time, walking out of the café. The weather was surprisingly nice; still chilly but not raining. The man walked to the same tree and sat down in his usual spot. The cat wasn’t with him this time, but there was another man, slightly shorter than the one he was used to seeing. From what he could tell, the shorter man had jet black hair. The taller’s hair was dyed brown. This other man Sehun recognized as a regular at the café, and he speculated that he actually worked there. Occasionally, he would open up the store in the mornings alongside the brunet, and this occurrence was becoming more and more frequent in the past couple of months.

 

The men sat down together and shared food and talked and laughed comfortably, and Sehun envied them. Now, he was determined to see them and the café up close. Sehun had to know that they were real, and weren’t going to burn away in a fire or move far, far away.

 

Impulsively, he grabbed his shoes and coat, tiptoed down the stairs, and flew out the door. He heard himself laugh for the first time since Junmyeon and Zitao left him. He felt like he ran so fast that he blew everything away when he ran past.

 

Built up with so much momentum, he all but crashed head first into the two men sitting below the tree. And now that he was there in front of them both, sprawled on the ground, he didn’t know what do to.

 

Sehun looked up at both of them and configured himself into a sitting position, unsure of how to continue.

 

His usual guy looked about the same as he did when Sehun ran to get the ball months before. Although, there was something slightly different that he couldn’t put his finger on. Was it possible the man looked even younger??

 

Sehun looked between the two adults, the awkwardness of his actions setting in slowly, until he could feel his eyes go wide, and his throat choke up. He turned, about to get up and run straight back, until the men started laughing softly. Sehun slowly turned back to face them.

 

The men were beautiful as they laughed. Their noses scrunched up, their eyes formed little slits and their cheeks grew wide and plump, revealing, in Sehun’s eyes, sets perfect teeth, despite the crooked bottom row his usual guy had. Their shoulders jiggled up and down, their voices high and carefree. It was the most beautiful sight Sehun had ever seen, and he had just crashed like some alien right in the center of it. He was out of place in a picture that he could never be painted inside of, not even in the wildest surrealist painting Salvador Dali could ever imagine. And yet, he was so intrigued. He couldn’t bring himself to go back just yet. His throat stopped feeling like it was closing in.

 

Once the two calmed down their laughter, the other man gave Sehun a gentle smile.

 

“Where did you come from so suddenly?”

 

Sehun stared and did not answer.

 

“That was quite a fall. Are you okay?” His usual man said.

 

Sehun nodded yes, and managed a bit of a smile, trying to imitate how the two men looked while they were laughing. He tried for the toothy grin the other man gave so easily, until he remembered how desperately he needed braces, and promptly closed his lips to hide his underbite and the teeth that went astray while coming in.

 

“My name is Lu Han and this is Min- well, Xiumin.” He gestured to the man sitting next to him. The man gave a small wave, and Sehun reluctantly waved back.  “What’s your name?”

 

Sehun stared for what felt like hours before he barely made a sound.

 

“S-s-se-se…”

 

“SEHUN!”

 

Sehun turned around sharply to see one of the caretakers sprinting across the field, calling out his name. All three watched as the woman approached them. She needed a moment to catch her breath before she spoke.

 

“I’m so, so sorry about him. He’s a little strange at times and I never would have thought he would run out here like this, especially to cause a disruption. I’ll be taking him back now and you two can get back to your meeting-“

 

“Well first of all, it’s not a meeting. He’s my husband.” The woman looked scandalized at Luhan’s comment. “Unofficially of course, since our marriage is illegal in this country.”

 

“And second of all, he’s no disruption, miss,” Xiumin added.

 

“Right, well I really must bring him back now. I’m sorry but I can’t have him wandering around, especially when he doesn’t talk-“

 

“He doesn’t talk?”

 

“Where are you taking him back to?” Xiumin asked.

 

The woman sighed. “He is in an orphanage across the way for emotionally troubled children who do not have stable homes to return to. Now if you’ll excuse us-“

 

“Is he now allowed out?”

 

“Not without supervision.”

 

“Does he get out?”

 

“He used to play soccer with the others but recently he hasn’t felt like it. Listen, all I need to do is take him back and he’ll be out of your hair. No worries. You wouldn’t want to be around him anyway since he’s mute.”

 

Luhan and Xiumin looked at each other and glanced at the boy whose hand was now trapped in the grasp of that woman.

 

Suddenly, Sehun jerked his arm free and said the longest statement he had spoken in years.

 

“I am not going back.” Sehun murmured.

 

“What was that?” The woman was in shock.

 

“I am not going back!!” Sehun rushed in between Luhan and Xiumin and sat himself down right behind them, crossing his arms and giving the woman a scowl. Everyone stared at the boy in uncomfortable silence, until he started sniffling and tears started pooling at the corners of his eyes. Xiumin and Luhan reached to comfort him, feeling his small, boney form shiver beneath their touch. Sehun felt warmth that he never wanted to give away. It was not the warmth from embers that burn down houses or the hot rage he would feel at the universe for his situation. It was the kind that he had forgotten so many years ago.

 

-

 

“Sehunnie! Time to wake up!”

 

Sehun grumbled and shifted his body further down into his covers but made sure to keep his face above the blankets.

 

“First day of your new school. You wouldn’t want to be late, right? Jongin will be waiting for you outside the store soon.”

 

Sehun’s eyes shot open and a wide smile grew on his face, revealing silver braces with little, red, rubber bands. He picked the color himself. He giggled and Luhan gave him a kiss on his forehead.

 

“Where’s other dad?” Sehun asked, voice cracking. He had begun puberty since they had first met him.

 

“He’s downstairs at the café already. I think he had time to prepare a special breakfast for a special somebody.”

 

Sehun bolted to the stairs with thoughts of ice cream waffles on his mind. (Once Luhan introduced Sehun to this breakfast (dessert?), he was hooked. Xiumin just rolled his eyes).

 

Luhan could hear the sounds of coffee beans grinding from downstairs and the sounds of the early morning crowd making small talk while waiting for their coffee; the sweetly bitter scent making its way up to their new apartment. He smiled to himself.

 

Over a year ago, he was an absolute mess. Now, he had a café, he had a son, a new apartment, and by some miracle, or by some strange mistake, he had come to meet a man that looks like Minseok (despite lacking the small mole on the back of his left shoulder and other tiny marks that have shifted or vanished), sounds like Minseok, acts like Minseok, and remembers the life he and Minseok shared up until that fateful day that started it all. He goes by the name of Xiumin, perhaps only for the sake of paperwork and records. He’s “dad” to Sehun, “manager” to the employees at ReAnimator, “brother” to Jongdae, and maybe in a not too distant life he was “Cat,” as well. But to Luhan, he’s still Minseok with all of his little nerdy habits. His crooked, gummy smiles, the need to vacuum every night, humming while washing the dishes, bitter and black coffee, caring a little too much, and most importantly, Haruki Murakami novels before bed.

 

_“Anyone who falls in love is searching for the missing pieces of themselves. So anyone who’s in love gets sad when they think of their lover. It’s like stepping back inside a room you have fond memories of; one you haven’t seen in a long time.”_

_Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shore_

Minseok sighed and smiled to himself, looking at the two sleeping figures on the bed next to him. He enjoyed reading to them each night. He got up to place the book back on the shelf, and just before switching the lights off and returning to bed, he caught the sight of a pure white cat, crossing over their balcony. They made eye contact briefly until the cat bowed its head, continuing on its way.

 

Minseok climbed under the covers and tucked them right below the chins of his son and husband. The last thing he saw before the morning sun broke through the curtains the next day was Luhan pulling Sehun’s thin form closer to him, with one outstretched arm looking for a second presence. Minseok rolled closer, Luhan’s hand finding him and tugging him into a tight embrace, and closed his eyes. He had no dreams that night, as there was no where he yearned be than living right here, right now.

 

The End


End file.
